Coming Home to Yourself: A Conversation with Kristan Swan

Welcome to the Real Life Momz podcast, where we put ourselves at the top of our to-do list. I'm Lisa Foster, your host, and today I am here with fellow mom and creator, author, and workshop facilitator, Kristan Swan, and she's here to help us come home to ourselves. Hi, welcome to the show.

Oh, Lisa, thank you so much. I am delighted to be here and I love what you do, and thank you for this space and I am in complete agreement. We need to put ourselves at the top of the to-do list. So hard though. How hard it's, it sounds easy. It's a very easy

but hard to do. Yes. We have to keep reminding ourselves. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I feel like parenting's a bit of a rollercoaster, right? You go on this ride, it's lots of twists and turns you've never expected. And as your kids grow up and even transition out, you're like, get off the ride. And you're like, okay, now what?

Who am I? Where am I? What [00:01:00] happened? I lost myself a bit, and I know this is something that you do help people with. You help people re return to themselves, if you will. So maybe tell us a little bit about your approach. Yeah, for sure. I do think parenting for myself, it was the one thing I was sure about, right?

I knew that I wanted to be a parent and I didn't really know what my career direction was. I didn't, but I knew that. And also the other thing is. Other than knowing that being a parent was so important to me, I didn't really know a lot about myself so much. As it is with many of us, so much of the work that I do today is really a reflection of the journey I had to go on to get to know myself.

And then actually trust myself, and make choices [00:02:00] based on that knowing and that trusting. But there's a lot of, I talk about, and this, I was talking about this before, the attention economy, right? There just was so much noise telling us. Who we were supposed to be, how we were supposed to show up, how we were as women in particular, how you're supposed to look, how you're supposed to parent, right?

And how and some of that information is absolutely valid and information that you wanna pay attention to. And I, I keep coming back to this idea that we have. Shut ourselves off to a certain degree that where we maybe give that outside noise a little bit more of our time or our focus than really that inner wisdom that we have.[00:03:00]

Yeah, a hundred percent. It's so easy to get pulled in the surrounding noise, especially as a parent. There's a lot of surrounding noises in your own home, but but yeah. Yeah. And we haven't, as parents, even though I didn't grow up with siblings, so I didn't have.

Little brothers or sisters that I was taking care of, but I had done a lot of babysitting and I I did a lot of that, but you can babysit, for years, which I did. And becoming a parent is completely different, right? As, and so there is, I think that. If anything it's, it is.

You can read about it, you can study as much as you want, and it is something that really, until you, you learn by doing. Which is a little terrifying 'cause you're thinking I have these individuals that I am meant to shepherd into adulthood. And so it, [00:04:00] it's, I think just by the nature of kind of the big job of parenting we, it can be very easy to doubt ourselves.

Yeah. Or question ourselves. Yeah. And that brings me to the two things you really pointed out, which was knowing yourself and then trusting yourself. Yeah, those are huge because I think there's a lot of like mental, like not sure about, who I am really. And then when you get to. Knowing yourself better, really trusting your instinct, your intuition on things.

So yeah. What's your super strategy to figure out those things? I think for the start, the place to start really is curiosity. And so I like to encourage a curious mindset with myself. [00:05:00] And with others. And I think the important piece specifically around curiosity is that maybe the synonym that I would use would be open-minded.

So there's a, there's really this, you're removing judgment in, in and in its place you're saying. I'm open here. And you're asking questions and again, this expansiveness so you start with curiosity and for me really what has been the most meaningful is a prompted journal practice.

And what I do is I, I. I do it in the morning 'cause it helps set the tone for my day and I like to do it be, if possible before I start talking or interacting too much and allowing myself to, to. Ease into the day. Sometimes that is just [00:06:00] not possible. So it's not about doing it perfectly.

However I like to journal about the day before, and I do it in such a way that I'm really just talking, writing, and I do believe specifically in in using a pen and paper, I think that there's something really. Grounding in that, that, that pen to paper. I do a lot of writing on the computer, so I'm not saying that I don't use computers, but for the journaling practice in particular it's a way to, to focus, I think, in a way that is specific and get that, that grounding or that quietness.

So that you're reflecting on your, for me, I'll reflect on the day before. And I'm really thinking about it just in terms of, what happened during the day and then what I do is I think about the day more in specific. So I think about, gosh, what were those moments of the day that.

Or [00:07:00] the way I phrase it is my big yeses, right? And it doesn't necessarily that mean that they are big moments. It's just those moments where I found myself feeling really engaged or excited. Or maybe they're just really sweet moments, right? A, a conversation with a, an old friend or a stranger, right?

So noticing. Those bright spots, right? And 'cause there's good information in there, right? What lights you up, so to speak. Yeah. And then the other thing that I like to do is I like to check in with kind of those places of the day where it's yeah, the way that I call it in my journal is not so much and I, and basically I say it like that because again.

I don't think I need to. It's interesting 'cause I grew up I grew up spending a lot of time with my grandparents. They were just a really important [00:08:00] presence in my life. And my one grandmother, I. A very bright woman only was able to finish high school, worked. She was a housekeeper cook.

At the beginning of her career, she worked in a mill. She grew up in a small town on the east coast, and so the mill was the main employer and she was really funny, a little bit of a, little dark sense of humor. Which I guess as a kid I was a little bit fascinated with.

And I know that she loved me. Just, she would've done anything for me. And she had this really interesting behavior where if she wanted to do something, it wasn't enough for her to say, for instance, let's say on her day off that she just, she wanted, maybe she wanted to go and sit in the park right.

And read a book. But she never could just say. Hey, I wanna go read a book and sit [00:09:00] in a park. She would have to say, she'd have to make all the other choices bad, right? So that it somehow justified her choice, right? There was always this need to justify her choice rather than just saying, this is what I wanna do, like I'm not hurting anyone else.

But there was something I think so scary about just owning what she just really wanted to do, and so I think. For many years, I think I I inherited that behavior in a way, right? And so there was, and especially as a young mom, gosh, if you are saying that you want to claim a little space for yourself, there's a whole lot of ways that you end up getting a message that, you know.

Or at least I did, oh, you've gotta think twice about that. That feels selfish, or or what are you doing [00:10:00] there? And so in my journal, what I realized by saying the not so much kind of category is I don't have to make anything bad. I just need to pay attention to that, which does not work for me.

And it, and really what I'm also saying, because I'm doing this journaling as a daily practice. Is that it's not working for me in this moment. And that doesn't mean that things aren't gonna change, but it's just, it's not working for me in this moment. And it can be. It can be a conversation that I had where I didn't necessarily like the way I showed up in the conversation, or maybe I didn't like what the dynamic was with the other person.

It can be a situation, it could be, committing to doing something and then going to the thing and realizing, yeah, I'm not really sure that I need to do that again, right? But again, just giving that permission. To notice those [00:11:00] things. Because that's good information for us. Yeah. I love that.

I love, first of all, like basically everything you're saying, I love the curiosity of being curious, having that mindset, that open mindset, 'cause. It is true. We tend to get a bit definitely judgy about things and before they even occur, we haven't even experienced them half the time and we have all these opinions or have heard all these opinions, and I do think curiosity gets not enough.

Credit because whenever I say to myself like, I might be nervous about something, or I might be like trying something a little new and maybe I am nervous about going or doing or feeling like I have to justify myself for being there. I always say to myself, just be curious. Because there's no expectation then it doesn't matter if I not so much liked it.

Or it ends up being a hell yes. There's no expectation [00:12:00] around it. So this like curiosity just feels very so calming to me when I put that out there. So I love that you said that. And I love that you also create a journal that feels. I don't know what's the word I just wanna say?

Nice. Like less intimidating, just saying oh, eh, not so much, it just feels welcoming and Okay. So I just, yeah, I think that is really amazing. So I love that. I love that. I do feel that a lot of people probably do use journaling, right? But I find, and even myself, we get tripped up in just like writing about our day.

Or writing about, just trying to get things off our chest or maybe writing about things that are like not so positive, right? We're either writing all the grateful things just about our day or something not so positive to get it off our chest, but. I like how you kinda look at the whole picture and start to [00:13:00] recognize what we feel really does align with us and what doesn't.

So I know you really look at patterns in your journals. Tell us a little bit more about that, because I think people do wanna, I think we cycle, right? Like we it's there's something about us and we come back to the same place. I'm like, why am I here again? Or why I always end up in this situation or, so tell us about those patterns that we could actually find, or are there prompts that we should be looking at? How do you use that with your journaling? It's interesting 'cause when I first the very first moment I conceived of creating spaghetti on the wall, which is the physical journal that is, is this grouping of all these things I'm talking about.

I was in the midst of a. Business coaching career. So I was coaching independent business owners. Most of them were business founders and they were they had started the [00:14:00] business and they were working the business. And, it's a, and so I'm listening and I'm, and I get to know these people very well, and especially as.

As independent business owners, a lot of what I would talk to them about is, you started your own business and so the beauty of that is you get to actually start a business that works for you, right? You get to pay attention to what success means to you. Don't take the definition that is out there culturally or within society.

And I think this is true for every single person, right? It's worth having a conversation with yourself about what is a successful or meaningful life look like to me? And my business owners, I'd talk to them weekly or however often, and they'd come to me and we'd be having these conversations and they'd be complaining about a situation, and it occurs to me [00:15:00] because I'm observing them and I'm not in the weeds.

I'm recognizing these patterns that are happening, right? I mean they are, and it was really interesting because I got fascinated with how we make decisions, right? That we, we have these patterns around our decision making habits. And I know when I talked about this with a colleague one time, I was.

Describing it and I was probably using much more kind of cerebral or heady terms and she goes, oh, she goes, I know exactly what you're talking about. She goes. I am a microwave and my husband is a crockpot. And I was like, oh my gosh, I love that. She's yeah. She goes, if we're gonna go on vacation, if we're gonna go, buy a blender or, he's gonna research the thing he's gonna, and she's I'm just like, let's just get it and then if it doesn't work, we'll figure it out kind of thing.

And so I do i, it came to me. I thought, okay, I'm gonna make this. I think I can [00:16:00] take some of my personal stuff that I'm doing and I can create this journal that would be really helpful for really anyone. But in that moment, it was around my business owner, so that. As they're documenting things, there would be an awareness of what was happening.

And so when you do this on a daily basis, you don't even actually have to do a lot of retracing and going back and reading from six months prior or anything. You start noticing your own stuff, right? It's when you're putting pen to paper and you're saying, oh gosh I, you're not so much section you keep having that thing where you said yes to the wrong type of client, or you said you're like okay.

What am I, what am I doing here? Both in terms of, so it's a kind of a couple of, I introduced I think I dumped it, that drawer. I always have this mental image of that drawer that we all have in the kitchen that kind of has a little bit of [00:17:00] everything, right? The catchall drawer and I dumped it here on.

Desk, but, so I'm talking about patterns. So there's that those things that, that we do. And so the, some of those are tied to behaviors that we may have grown up with, we may have inherited from our family dynamic. And we bring them into whatever it is, we bring them into business, we bring them into our relationships, we bring them into parenting.

They, our patterns come with us. And really awareness is that first step. Yeah. And I think the thing that I wanna be clear about is I never, whether it was with my coaching business, coaching clients or the people that I work with now in my workshops I am not in the business of trying to change people.

That is not my place. I, what I'm offering to people whether or not they, they choose to engage [00:18:00] is maybe there's some awareness that you would like to open yourself up to and get curious about. Yeah, I'm assuming that people who like want to work with you or this spaghetti on the wall journal, which I do love the name that they're already these people who do wanna look into who they are and maybe have more awareness and probably wanna take action.

So I, what I'm hearing is that basically the process is that you journal about your day before, the day before or or you could probably do it in the evening, right? The day. You know what, I have some people who love to do it at the end of their day. Yeah. And it's interesting 'cause the people who do it, at the end of the day, they really love it.

Because they literally do it the last thing before they turn out the light. Yeah. And then they have told me, they're like, I sleep so well because I've [00:19:00] just dumped it. I'm not holding on to all that stuff. Yeah. So the, I would say it does not, and again it, the way that I designed it was specifically.

To be simple. So it, you can do it at any time of the day. And it's really not meant to be done. I don't journal for hours on end. I journal for 15 minutes, maybe I've got some days where I'm just on a roll. I might, and because I do have another section in the journal that's kinda outta the box inspiration.

And sometimes, I, I'll have all sorts of great ideas that I wanna just start capturing, but. It's just, do it for 15 minutes and then do it. Do it at whatever the most important thing, the way that it will be most impactful is if you can build a consistent habit. Yeah. Like I said, like so journaling, whatever time it works for you of about the day and then [00:20:00] seeing what your guesses are, what your not so muchs are, and seeing, then really reflecting, okay, wow, this not so much area keeps maybe coming up.

So that would trigger oh, a pattern maybe or maybe not. I want. To do something about it. Are there some actions at that point that you recommend for people who are starting to see maybe a pattern in their, not so much, or even in a pattern in their hell yeses. Like making sure there's more of those that, what's that actionable step?

'cause it's nice to write, look at it. It's nice to notice it. But nothing changes unless we do something. So now what? Yeah. Yeah. And that's, that is where again, the, I'm thinking I, so I'll use an example of my, from my own life I think it was last, I can't remember if it was last Mother's Day or.

The mother's, I think it was last Mother's Day. [00:21:00] Yeah, last Mother's Day. And I, so I have three adult children. Two of them were gonna be in town. And and my mom lives nearby. So my, my mom had she really had an expectation about how she wanted the day to be and, yeah. I was pretty exhausted. It had been this just a really long week of work and some other personal stuff, and I was feeling pretty, I was, I didn't have a whole lot to bring to the to Mother's Day.

I and I ended up going to Mother's Day and my mom's, and it didn't go well. I was just I didn't wanna be there and I didn't, I knew that beforehand, but there was that pattern that I have of not wanting to disappoint my mom. And, [00:22:00] to be a people pleaser and show up.

Even when I'm knowing that I'm feeling outta sorts and I, yeah. So I showed up and I ended up leaving abruptly after just, the day the, I mean we I guess I left right after we finished eating and 'cause I think I had said. Like the 10th, not very, just snarky thing to my mom and I got home and I ended up journaling in that moment.

'cause I just was like, ugh. What is going on here? I just am, here I am at this point in my life. Why am I. Why am I doing this again? Like why am I, why am I forcing these situations again? And in the journaling I was able to actually recognize kind of some of the other stuff [00:23:00] that had happened during the week that I still was carrying with me.

And so on the one hand. Just in the process of really taking that time to reflect, I was able to, I was able to give myself a little bit of kindness. And just say, you've had a crummy week. And I basically was able to look at that and say. Okay. I know I didn't show up the way I wanted to show up.

So the thing that I could do in the immediate is I reached out to my mom the next day and I just said, I said I didn't, I'm sorry I didn't show up the way, I didn't mean to ruin your mother's day. And I just didn't show up the way I wanted to show up. And the other thing that I made a mental note of for myself, and I have been able, [00:24:00] even just this week, I, I.

I was able to make a mental note of that. I'm gonna give my per myself permission to say beforehand. I'm just, I'm worn out. I need to maybe not do this one, or maybe can we, can I take you out for lunch later in the week? To schedule and, and so in that moment, I couldn't necessarily fix that Mother's Day, but I could take that awareness.

Like I said, even this week I had one of these weeks where things, and we're getting ready to go outta town for a couple of days, so there's that added stress, and I was meant to have a friend come over for dinner and she texted to check in and say what time? I think I'm running a little bit later.

And normally my normal answer would be like, take your time. It doesn't matter. Just drive safe. Can't wait to see you. But I, it was like I took this breath and there was that little light went on and I [00:25:00] just texted her. I said, do you mind if we do this another night? And this is somebody who is the easiest person to have over, this isn't, it was, had nothing to do with her.

It was just, I needed Yeah. A minute. Yeah. And so I was able to do that. So it, it was in that awareness that I was able then to put into practice Yeah. The thing that I learned. And so what I'm actually hearing is that going back to the very beginning, like knowing and trusting ourselves. It's almost like through this journaling practice of becoming more aware of those things that we, make us happy and may not so much.

And then really honoring that with those different situations. Yeah. So it starts to come like full circle. Then you can really, oh wow. I do know that these things are. You know a [00:26:00] yes, and these things are too much, and how I'm feeling right now, I don't have more to give. And then trusting that, yes, because you know that, and you've been working with yourself, if you will, through the journaling.

Yes. So it's really beautiful. I love that. Yeah. And I think that the other thing too is. The way that I think about it is, when we know, when we get to know each ourselves, we get curious and we start taking that time to know ourselves and then we start trusting ourselves.

The kind of, what ends up happening is we can do less harm, right? We can do less harm to ourselves by making choices that are more in alignment with who we are, and we can do less harm to others because. We don't show up like I did Just grumpy and outta sorts, at Mother's Day.

Yeah. For my mom and the whole ripple effect. Even telling your friend, yeah. That you know what I'm just not there today. [00:27:00] Gives her permission to do the same when she needs to do that for herself. So it is good to see that, even though it always feels, it feels hard to do yeah. That's great.

It does well, and I think that's the other thing too, is going back to this idea of trust is really trusting that when we are making choices that are based on where we are at in the moment, that you are you're opening the door for. For other possibilities to enter.

And I ended up talking to my friend the next day and I said, thank you so much. And she's of course. And she said, as it turns out, it really ended up being a good thing because I ended up having some time with my brother who, was going through a moment and he really needed me.

She said, it honestly, it worked out to be the right thing for that night. And I can't tell you how many times. [00:28:00] That I've had those kinds of conversations either from my side where you know, a friend has been I, we've been able to be honest enough with each other oh, can we reschedule or can we shift this around or something, and it's like this whole other outcome.

Going back to that curiosity and that lack of expectation and kind of this openness to other possibilities that. Can be equally or even more wonderful. I feel like it always does. It always does. Especially when you're honest. I think when you've tried to try to be like I can't go because I don't when my car broke down or whatever.

When you like start making stuff up, then it doesn't, but if you are honest, I do. It always something always more beautiful, something happens that it was like meant to be. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You bring up a really, because we've all been there, right? We try to get outta something. [00:29:00] Always.

Oh my gosh, yes. We have all been there. It's hard to do that with your kids around. They keep you honest. Yeah, true. That is sore. I heard you, say that and I know you're not. Your car is just fine. Yeah. You're not sick mom.

You're fine. Just fine. Can I be sick and not go to school tomorrow? Yeah. That doesn't pan out ever. That's great. Yeah. So it's great. Yeah. So be honest is what we're saying to yourself and to others. Yes. Now, what can the listeners start doing today after listening to this podcast? I would say I talk a lot and I think about that we always have a choice, right?

In every moment we have a choice and. And a lot of times we may not like our choices, but we always have a choice, right? [00:30:00] And so I would say just even in this moment, as you are going through the rest of your day today, it's think about as you're making choices, is this really. Is this really in alignment with who I am or who I want to be, where I want to be, headed.

And so it, it can be as simple as paying attention to that in yourself. What it also can be, certainly journaling is a great practice and I recommend it for everyone. And it, you can take five minutes just to say, the start of the journal before I start journaling in about the day before for me is the top thought.

And it's and like I said, I do it when I first wake up or thereabouts, and it's what was the thing that I woke up thinking about today? And sometimes it's stuff that I've gotta do. [00:31:00] So I need to think about that in terms of making sure that I don't get to, get a little bit too tightly wound during the day.

So you could even just kinda start by naming that thing that is, that's on your mind. Right in, in those first moments of waking up. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Now tell us a little bit more about the spaghetti on the Wall Journal and where, what you offer, where people can find it, find you.

The title is actually Spaghetti on the Wall because we, my mom was not a great she is not a great cook. And she knows this. She knows this. Mom, I love you, but you're not a great cook. We would have friends who love to cook and would come over and cook. For us. And my mom was always very happy when that happened.

And we were too, because it was delicious. And one of our friends would make spaghetti and meatballs, 'cause that was my grandmother's favorite meal. And it was always this [00:32:00] big production. And there would be the tossing of the spaghetti noodles up to the ceiling. And of course if they stick then they're done.

And if they don't, then they need a little bit more time. So it's that whole idea of just just put it all out there and. Over time, you'll see what sticks whether it's ideas that you have or those yeses or noticing those patterns and some awareness around changes that you can make.

So I have the journal, it's for sale on my website, and I also do journaling classes. And I have a women's. Class called Circle of Connection. So that's has a slightly different curriculum, but it still is really that deepening that connection to yourself, especially in this noisy world.

And also I think especially for women, just finding yourself in these different chapters of your life, right? And that there can [00:33:00] be these moments where we can feel less connected to ourselves or less connected to community even. So I do a circle of connection and then my other program that I do is called Discovering Your Spiritual Autobiography.

And that is a non-denominational workshop that's really. Just for people who are ready to think about that, which is bigger than themselves, right? It's not your relationship to the world or, the universe or however you, whatever the language is that you use for you.

That's so cool. Thank you so much for coming on the show, talking to us, and just getting a service. I feel like this is so simple to actually even just start doing. Yes. It doesn't actually take a lot, probably just 10 minutes. So I appreciate all that you're doing and yeah, thanks for sharing it with us today.[00:34:00]

Oh, thank you so much and thank you for this opportunity to share what I, yes, I will reiterate that it is very simple and self-discovery is not selfish. We need to remember that,

Thank you for listening to this episode. If you are interested in getting that journal, spaghetti on the wall, or just anything that Kristen has to offer, just click on the link in the show notes and until next week, keep carving out time for yourself and keep putting yourself on top of your to-do list.