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Aug. 23, 2022

Your Impostor Moment


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This week on Real Life Momz, it’s all about feeling like an impostor! 

Join me this week for our fascinating conversation with Candice Kingston - mother, wife, public speaker, leadership coach, and author of the upcoming book, “Your Impostor Moment: Breaking Through The Internal Roadblocks of Self-Doubt and Impostor Syndrome.” Candice shares her incredible knowledge and provides valuable suggestions to navigate our way through internal roadblocks and limiting beliefs. You won’t want to miss this. 

Join us on our Facebook group at facebook.com/groups/reallifemomz to continue sharing our struggles with impostor syndrome. 

Resources: 

Johnny's Ambassador: https://johnnysambassadors.org/ 

Kingston Coaching:  https://www.kingstoncoaching.com 

Your Impostor Moment Video: https://youtu.be/9MYLdHhI5Hw 

RLM Favorite Products (products recommended by our guests and community): https://www.reallifemomz.com/p/real-life-momz-favorites/ 

Real Life Momz website: https://www.reallifemomz.com 

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Transcript

Welcome to Real Life Momz I'm your host Lisa Foster and Real Life Momz  is a podcast that's all about moms having real conversations, sharing resources, and telling their inspiring stories. Our mission is to connect moms by talking about these topics that parents deal with every day and to continue these conversations in our Real Life Momz, Facebook group, where we would love for you to become part of our community. And this week, I'm joined by Candice Kingston. She's a mother, a wife, a speaker, an author, and a leadership coach who works with small business owners and high-level professionals to help them grow personally and professionally.

The working title of her upcoming book is Impostor Moment Breaking Through the Internal Roadblocks of Self-Doubt and Imposter Syndrome. Her superpower is uncovering roadblocks that may be holding you back from reaching your true potential and creating a life in the business that you love. And today, Candice helps us explore the subject of impostor syndrome, roadblocks, and limiting beliefs. See how this topic has affected her personally and professionally. 

 

Hi Candice, welcome to Real Life Momz , and I'm really excited about discussing this topic today.

So honestly, I got really nervous as I was thinking of coming on and talking to you cause we were talking about impostor syndrome and all I can think about is like the self-doubt just flowing out of me and some both excited and I'm feeling this might be really therapeutic for me.

I love it. I love it. That's so like, that's what happens to me. I'm in interviewing people about impostor syndrome for my book and I'm like, wait a second. I have impostor syndrome right now. So I love that you said that and thank you so much for having me on. I'm really excited to talk more about it.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

Yeah, so, my name is Candice obviously, and I live in Denver with my husband and three boys. Let's see they are 20,18 and 16. Oh wow. And one just moved out. I worked in corporate and health insurance for about 12 years and really did not align with that very well. And so it was so great when I finally figured out what I wanted to do and kind of use my psychology degree a little bit getting into thing. It was a really great transition and a way to help people and still, you know, just enjoy my life.

So yeah, that's kind of a little bit about me.

Yeah. And the big thing too, is that you're in this process of launching a book called Impostor Moment, Breaking Through the Internal Roadblocks of Self-Doubt and Impostor Syndrome, is that right?

Working titles.

I was going to say there's so much in it, but, but the title kind of freaks me out. Actually I'm like roadblocks self-doubt oh my God. I gotta read it well with all this background and writing this book, how do you even define it impostor syndrome? Because I think about it all the time. What it is, but I can never explain it. Right.

Well, and it's interesting. Um, I would say pretty much everyone I've talked to, whether it's informally or formally, you know, in an interview has said that they have felt a moment in time when they've had this and the few people that have said, you know, not really, not me. They can at least relate to being younger and feeling it. And then at some point getting like a mentor to help them or a coach or whatever it was that they figured out, oh wait, there is a way to not feel these feelings and they have figured it out and moved on with their lives.

So while I probably can't say I'm totally on the other side of this, I think I'm better now than I was. Let's just put it that way because I have learned a lot of great techniques. And you asked what the definition is.

So sorry, let me go back to that. So when we don't have self-worth and we have these feelings of just not being good enough or like we don't belong, maybe, um, maybe like the other shoe is going to drop at any moment. You know, your, your boss says, Hey, can you come talk to me for a minute after lunch? You're just dreading it because you're walking down the hall thinking I'm getting fired. That's impostor syndrome. It's those moments when, I mean, there's more definitions,  so another one would be when you feel like people are giving you credit, when you just feel like, oh no, that's not, you know, they're like, oh, you're amazing and you're like, eh, I barely graduated high school or whatever your story is. Like, you might have your own story in your head and you feel like other people are giving you way too much credit what you do. So those are all examples of impostor syndrome. For me, it's really about self-doubt. And the opposite of that is self-worth and maybe confidence. But when you can combat the impostor syndrome with really bolstering your own confidence and your own self-worth, that's how you're able to get ahead of it.

And this could not be just one thing. So you're listing these things, right? And I'm like, yes, yes, yes.  So, it's not necessarily in one scenario, like it's not like, okay at work, I don't feel good enough or something. It could be across the board that you have this self-doubt. Cause that's how I feel. I feel,  I feel it all the time, now that you're saying it, like my boss was like, come talk to me in an email. Right. And I was like, oh my God, what did I do?

And it turned out like, I had a COVID exposure. But I was like, and I'm good at my work, but you know, that immediate reaction or, you know, oh, this person can do this better than me or oh, ask your dad because he'll know the answer. Even if I do, you know,.

I use that one all the time. Yeah. Maybe you should talk to your dad. Maybe we should wait for dad to get home, like right.

What we do. I think, um, I do think a lot of this stems from those early moments of not being good enough. So I always share this stories. I had a client once that said when they were little, they were sitting in the classroom like five or six years old. Sure. You know, answered everyone else and then said to him, Hey, uh, we don't have time. You know, we're moving on, put your hand down. And that was it. He never raised his hand again. He said, I honestly swear to God. I have never raised my hand again, like all through high school, all through college, never raised my hand because I just thought my question was not worthy and was not worth anybody's time.

And I wasn't good enough for that. And so that example I had said to him actually, you know, most people don't have that moment in time that they can label.

He's like, oh, I sure do. And he told that story. So that's why I share that. For me I don't have a story like that. Why do I have self doubt? Right. I don't have a specific moment in time when someone told me to be, quiet or you're not good, or you suck ,or whatever. So I think we hear these things, um, whether directly or indirectly, maybe it's a message on TV that we heard, and girls are stupid or whatever. So who knows where these come from yes, therapy can help you and, you might be able to uncover where that came from.

And that might help if you really have a deep-seated problem with this. For the most part, though, I think you don't need to know where it came from. You just need to know it's not true. And even if maybe it was true at some point, like it's no longer true, it's no longer serving you. Let's get over that story, and let's move past.

We don't need to know where it came from, which is good. Right. But we need to know that it's not true, which is so important. I think that I feel like I need that line all the time. You know, just like, okay, here's something or feel something and be like, okay, that's not true. I think that's my new mantra.

I love the question. I think it's probably like a therapy question, but it's like, how true is that to say something? And you know, I mean, I used to say stuff to my self in the mirror all the time, especially in corporate, I would say the meanest things, you know, I'd walk in to the bathroom at work and I'd be like, you're so bleeping stupid, you know? And like, yeah, it was terrible. And then I'd go to the bathroom and I'd come out and wash my hands and like go back to my desk and like, yay. Okay, I'm fine now. But it was so unhealthy. And if I could have had that language then to say, Candice how true is that, you know, you're not stupid.

You just did X, Y, Z. And, and that's where the confidence comes from is really giving yourself the evidence to prove otherwise. And so that's sort of one of the tricks and tips to getting over impostor syndrome is saying to yourself, how true is that? And actually I got this award and I did this thing and it could just be, I made breakfast this morning while recording a podcast or whatever. It doesn't have to be an award or a degree. It can just be a little thing you did just to build up your own confidence.

Yeah.

You talk about kind of these inner roadblocks and limiting belief. Is this like kind of also the building blocks of the impostor syndrome too?

I think all very interrelated. Um, and the reason why I call it, your impostor moment is to me, it's not a syndrome. It's not a medical diagnosis. It's not even in the DSM four, five, whatever version we're on for, you know, mental illnesses. Um, it's a moment in time. And so to call it a syndrome, you know, you said you have it all the time. And I bet there might seem like a lot of moments, but then there's a lot of moments when you don't have it. So.

Right.

Would be like, you are literally suffering from this and you can't leave your room for a moment. It's just a moment in time. And that way we can look at it as such and be able to move on from it that much easier because we know, oh gosh, I just had an impostor moment. Like a senior moment or something. I dunno, like I an impostor moment, but I'm okay now I'm over it. You know, I can get past it.

Yeah. I love that. I love that a moment. Yeah. Because it also seems exactly like it's not this ongoing thing. It's just, right now I felt a little anxiety  talking about this topic, but now we're talking and I feel great, but going back to those roadblocks and limiting beliefs, how, how do you identify those?

That's a good question. So I like to think of a hierarchy almost. So a gremlin to me is something, I mean, we all know it from like the movie from the eighties, a gremlin I like to say is like that overarching message that maybe sits on your shoulder, this little gremlin and says you are not enough. Or you are stupid. Maybe there's like a big message that just crushes all the other messages. So like, that's kind of this little voice that you could call your inner critic or your gremlin.

To me, limiting beliefs are sort of the little thoughts that come along all the time, all day long. But that they're little and they're just scattered sort of from that message. But maybe like, oh, you burned a pancake again. Or you tripped on that stair. You do that every single time or, oh, you whatever, all those little niggling thoughts, um, oh, you could never apply for a business loan. You're not smart enough for that. Or you don't even know how that works or, you know, right. Like, oh, you better check with your husband.

Right before you make a decision or whatever you're gonna ruin your life. Like, I mean, it's all those little limiting beliefs that you just think I can't do this, or I'm not good enough for that, but you're saying it in a more day-to-day version and that, those, I think definitely you can break down and you can really, first of all, dive into them. How true is it that I trip on that stairs everyday? I don't know. Maybe that's okay. Maybe that's a really little one, but that's okay. Right. How true is it that I I'm clumsy and I do that all the time. Well, you know, sometimes I, I move too fast and yeah, I slipped downstairs or whatever, maybe it's happened twice.

So I mean, you can kind of talk yourself around it and out of it in a way, and like I said, give yourself evidence to prove otherwise, then you can give yourself a new belief.

So a belief is just a thought we have over and over again. So if, we've thought that I'm clumsy. Let's just say that. And now it's ingrained. It's like a record groove. We we've got to move the needle and give ourselves a new belief. And so that could be, um, I move very quickly and I'm getting better at watching my steps or something, which sounds long. But you know, like I'm working on being more swift in my steps. Not believe yourself, if you say I'm not clumsy or I'm so sure footed, like that might not be true.

And that might not feel true. So I don't want you to, to replace one lie with another. Right. We want it to feel true. So maybe it's just I'm working on it or something like that. My yoga will help me with my balance maybe.

Right, right. You're changing your thought process basically.

Yeah, exactly.

So, cause I feel like we go through our day to day and I feel like you can easily not even notice them. Right. You're giving yourself this input. Like I can't do that or I shouldn't do this. And I think I can not even notice that it is a roadblock and holding me back. So one thing I was thinking of is, um, when I started my own business and patients pay me it directly, I don't take insurance. And that was very difficult to take money. Like when I first started, I mean the amount of free sessions I would do or, you know, give me a cookie or a dinner or something like that, what I had to really sit down with, because then I had to pay rent, you know, for the office and that wasn't going well and all sorts of bills.

Right. So I had to really sit down and say, okay, like, how do I feel about money? You know? And that was a roadblock for me. There was a lot of negative feelings towards money. And if I had it, would it change me as a person? I could be greedy or I'm showy or like whatever those words are. I didn't know that until I had to like really sit down and, do something about this, not taking money thing for my job. Um, so I'm wondering, like, I feel like people are just going all around and not knowing what they're, you know, they're just.

So here's,  kind of, um, a coach's version of that as a coach, I'm always looking to move people forward. And so the red flags I listen for are things like I am late every day to everything I ever do, or I can't manage my email. It's totally out of control or I never have time or I can't ever go to Jimmy's soccer game or things like that. Like those are sort of those upper level, um, what I call red flags, like listen for that. And you know, there's sort of an underlying problem.

So then the underlying problem. So let's just say your listeners would say, okay, yeah, I have heard myself say, um, I can't even keep my head on straight or whatever. So okay. Now I have, I know that maybe there's something else going on. I'm going to start listening for some limiting beliefs and I'm going to actually keep a journal.

So great exercise to do. If you start to feel like you're trying to control things a lot, or maybe you're being extra judgmental about things you can keep or having limiting beliefs, you can keep a little journal to track those. And that's how you start to recognize them. Now the secret to that is that you start to write down so many of these things that your hand is cramping and you're like, I have got to stop this.  I'm not going to let that thought come out because I have to write that one down again.

Like you literally get so tired of writing that you're like, I can't write another one. I've got to stop having these judgements or these limiting beliefs. And so you kind of catch yourself in the moment and that really is the, the way that you can get over it is catching yourself in the moment. You know, they say the first step of whatever, knowing you have a problem with like admitting you have a problem or whatever.

That, it's like have a limiting belief. Okay. There, I just caught it. Like, I was just about to say that, and now I'm going to write that down. And so I'm going to remember that one next time. And I'm going to just try to recognize it before it gets further along, you know? So that's definitely a key because like you said, people don't know they have them, so yeah. Not everybody can do this because they might, I mean, who's going to tell them that that's a limiting belief, but your listeners like, okay, you're one step ahead of the game. You can now say I have a limiting belief and I'm going to choose not to believe that anymore.

And I'm going to work on getting over that one.

Okay. I'm going to write it down. I'm going to try to have a different version. I have something more positive in its place. Right. And then, um, and then, and it sounds like then you're gonna say it to yourself often, right?

Exactly. I mean, you can put the new belief, right? You can put the new belief up on your fridge or your mirror, or you're going to see it on your screen, on your phone or something like that. Um, you know, maybe it's just, I love money and I'm not greedy. If I want more, you know, whatever that, that is help you be sure of yourself to ask for, you know, what you're worth. And maybe that's it. Like I am worthy of a good salary or something like that. Um, you're going to just repeat that to yourself over and over again. And at first it might feel like a lie or it might feel not completely true, but just trust the process and know that it will you'll work your way into that being true, not just true, but actually being true.

And I have, I have worked on my issues. I have no problem with it now and I love it. So I did.

Yeah. It's a very common thing, especially for entrepreneurs.

As healthcare worker we are givers.

In your field, for sure. For sure. I have a friend who's a therapist and kind of therapist slash coach and sort of turned coach. And even the coaching she's like, oh, I can't ask that much money that, you know, and she's used to paying like for sessions or getting paid for sessions and taking insurance and doing all of that. And it is a very undervalued service for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely difficult, but I did work on it and it's been amazing because it feels much better. I enjoy my job, not having that piece to struggle with.

So I'm going to turn this back on you. So how did you, how did you work on it? How did you do that?

I'll tell you, honestly, I am a big self-help girl. Um, and so I listened to like the whole secret and the Bob Proctor's out there. And I think it was, it may have been think and grow rich. That made a big difference are you familiar with that?

And that's  great.

And it was great, and it just really put things in perspective for me. And I was able to kind of sit down and look back at like why I felt this way. And then I was able to turn it around and have a mantra. Like, you know, money is good. What am I going to do with the money? I'm going to help other people. I can see more people. If I do have money, I could take more classes to educate, you know, whatever it is. I had my mantra of where, you know, money would be good, and it really felt good, but I have to say it shifted everything. 

So here's a question then. Um, what happens if, um, you leave your impostor syndrome unchecked or you don't do anything?

That's a great question. So I feel like impostor syndrome, you know, I talk about my book. My book is I would say more directed at business owners, however everyone can read it and definitely take something away. And I do talk about stories, not just about business owners. So it is for everyone, but it's just that my target audience and who I work with are more business owners. I feel like the most important thing for business owners is to see this in their employees to recognize it in their employees.

Because if unchecked in, the workplace, it could lead to a lot of problems, right? Just not even trusting, you know, you're just going to have some issues there. And the same thing goes with parents and their kids. So to answer your question, what happens if it goes unchecked? I really feel like impostor syndrome can lead to unhealthy relationships.

It can definitely contribute to codependency because you're not trusting yourself. You're doubting yourself. And when you're codependent, people often think that you're controlling others when you're codependent, but really you're being controlled by this fear of something happening to that person or security family. And so then you're becoming codependent and it's almost like because you don't trust enough. And I think that if you had that, you were sort of able to solve that by instilling self worth or self care or compassion or something like that, you would really be able to hold firm in what matters most, and you would be able to keep boundaries.

Right. And that's really important as a parent that we've set boundaries with our kids. That's one pathway where impostor syndrome can get in the way. I think to the point of my book title, it's like, it's just one of the many roadblocks impostor syndrome can really hold you back from asking for money. It can hold you back from hiring someone. It can hold you back from delegating when you're not trusting yourself or, you're doubting yourself to put it, you know, more frankly, I guess when you doubt the fact that, you know, well, I'm not really a good boss, how could I hire somebody then that's not going to go very far in your business.

That's not going to work.

Yeah. So you were talking about how it can affect you as a parent.

Can you talk a little bit more about that?

Definitely. And I think, um, you know, listen, like the first time you probably felt impostor syndrome as a mom, or I guess I did, I should say not just on you, but was, well, first of all, getting pregnant, I'm like, wait a second. What? I mean, I was trying, but I was also like, wait, did I really mean to do that? And then like in the hospital about to have a baby, can I even do that? Then they tell you to take the baby home. And that is the biggest moment of it. I mean, you're like, wait, we get to take this little thing home.

Like, what are we going to do with them? But, um, oh my gosh, I remember my husband, we strapped our first baby into the car seat in the back. And I sat with him because of course that's what you do.

Like on the first ride home. And my husband had the video camera, I kid you not, he was driving, he was starting to drive and he was facing us with the camera. Like, like he just had like a brain fart. Like this would be a good idea to record our first drive home. And then he didn't like, start the car. It wasn't like literally driving, but he was about to like, realize you have a camera in your hand. Like you need to turn around. I mean, it was just one of those funny moments where you're like, oh my gosh, we were just, how can we be trusted to drive?

But anyway, but yeah, I think as a parent dealt with this, I've got three older kids now, and this is not our first rodeo, but our third child was really struggling during the pandemic with depression and started smoking weed.

Well probably before the pandemic. And then it got way worse during the pandemic and being in lockdown and not being able to start high school, you know, he had to basically be online on his bed starting high school is kind of a weird thing and things just went downhill very quickly. And I would say it was probably more codependency, but it was also some impostor syndrome because it was like, how would ever know how to handle this? How would I ever know who to even ask for help? Like there don't really deal with that addiction counselors don't really deal with the depression.

Like where do we go for help? How do we do this? I have no idea. And you know, it was definitely difficult. We did found him some help, but I have to say for parents that have teenagers, there are not a lot of, uh, support groups or, or even rehabs.

I mean, I'm in Colorado. And you would think maybe with what we have going on here, they should probably build a few more because we a few, and then we're trying to make our insurance pay. So that was difficult. We ended up sending him to Florida for six weeks because that's where they accepted our insurance. It was a great place. And that was a wonderful thing for him. And, you know, thank God it was because otherwise we'd be flying out there and like pick them up or something. But as far as impostor syndrome goes, it's that, that feeling of like, how do we know how to do this?

How do we, how do I trust myself that I'm going to make the right decisions? Or, or did I already screw everything up pretty much, right? Yeah. Failure. I can't do any of this. How did my kid ended up this bad?

Like, why did I miss the signs? I'm obviously not a good mom. Like of course you turn into all those thoughts, those self limiting beliefs, but like self-defeating thoughts. I think learning to, uh, remember, I mean, cause I I've learned this before, but I think you have to, you have to relearn a lot of lessons. So learning to really detach from his problem, love him as a person, but detached from the problem he was having obviously support him and get him the help he needs.

But, but not, it's not my problem. I mean, that sounds awful. And I always like hate saying that word detachment, but it really is about letting go of the, I guess the drama of it. Right. I think he would probably say it better, but the letting him be responsible for his actions and letting myself be responsible for my own actions.

And I am a big believer of like just radical responsibility. Like how, how is my just sitting here in this room right now, changing whatever might be happening, you know, how is, what can I take responsibility for myself in this moment? How can I, you know, when I'm in a car accident, even if I'm hit from behind, I woke up and got out of bed at that time and got in my car at that time. And I showed up at that time. So how can I take responsibility? It doesn't mean blame, but how can I take responsibility? So I think for me, that's kind of how impostor syndrome shows up in parenting.

It might feel a little weird to people to call it that because you're essentially saying, oh, I feel like an impostor as a parent. But sometimes we do. I mean, sometimes I don't know when you go to pick up and everyone, all these yoga mommies are like dressed cute in the afternoon and you're still in the yoga pants. And you're like, I didn't even do yoga. Like, I mean, I've definitely had those moments of impostor syndrome, you know?

Yeah, yeah, no, I hear you. And all I can keep saying, as you're telling that story, is just every day. Yes, yes, yes. I feel that to, it's so true whether your child is hurting for some reason or is going through some, they're getting a C on a class that they shouldn't be in they have not handed in one piece of homework, you know, whatever it is. It's like, oh my God, am I suppose like, am I supposed to be like a tug of war. It's like one hand, like someone's pulling me this way saying I should help my son.

make sure he turns his stuff in the other side is pulling me like, no, he's got to learn and do it himself. Right. It's not just when you said it's not your problem. That was so refreshing it is not my problem. If he getsa C it's not my problem is it?  But, there is this push pull. I don't know if that's impostor.

I think I've said this already, but I'll say it again is that I am not perfect. And I do not do this perfectly. I do not walk around saying, oh my goodness, that was a limiting belief. I'm going to change it right now. But I think what's good is that, my kids are older and I've, I've come to this place in my life where, you know, I mean, listen, we all swear around this place, which I never thought we would do as a family. And it's like, now the F bombs just fly and my son is learning to drive.

And I don't think I said the F word, but I definitely screamed at one point I was like, cause he was gonna hit a car or something. And he said, mom, that is not helpful. And at least he didn't yell back, but he's like, mom, that's not helpful. And I said you know what? I am sorry. I was scared. And I let out a scared sound. That's not right. I mean, we can't always be like, let me think how I want to respond at this moment. Right.

Right. Or calmly. Cause I've been in that situation too. My daughter's driving, and we're learning, and all of a sudden, she is not yielding and there is a car coming, and, I can't be like calmly, be like, Hey, no, you're like, dude, you got to look. I mean, you have got to look okay, no harm, no foul, no one got hurt. We're still alive. We could keep going. But yeah, totally. We're all human. They're human to make the mistakes that they're making and we're human to mistakes.

Yeah.

And so I think a lot of this stuff with the limiting beliefs and the impostor syndrome or having a moment or whatever is going on, it's all a practice. And I mean, I definitely, you know, I meditate and I've gotten back to my yoga practice, which is amazing. And I hope I stick with it, but that's a practice and life is a practice. We're not, you know, if we can just not think about yesterday and not worry about tomorrow and really try to stay in the moment, not worrying and obsessing and being controlling, then we're going to be in this practice of doing things out of love and reacting, or hopefully responding out of love instead of out of fear.

Then I think we're all doing the best we can. And from there, it'll be fine, you know, at the end of the day, especially all these kids that have gone through COVID and going to school and you know, parents with a little bit older kids, um, they don't have self-worth, they don't have self-esteem they're, you know, especially the teenage years, middle school years. That's a really tough time. I mean, you can't tell me that those kids aren't having these moments of impostor syndrome or, um, self doubt or, you know, lacking self-esteem and self-worth I remember being in middle school and, and being handed the map to like, go find your classes.

Oh God.

And I remember trying to be cool. Like maybe they won't notice I'm looking at this map and then, and just thinking, oh man, just whatever. I don't know. I can't not look at the map, you know, like, I'm just gonna, what am I even doing here? Can I just go back to elementary school? You know? And I mean, if I thought that then,  obviously these kids are having these moments when they're doubting themselves. And I think when you, as a parent can learn how to manage your own impostor syndrome, maybe come up with your own mantras and your own ways of getting over your limiting beliefs.

You're then able to pass that along now again, do I pass that along to do I sit there and say, Hey, is that a limiting belief? I mean, I don't do that all the time because they would probably push me out of the family, but that's not going to go over well, but I at least can sort of guide that. I don't know in my own way, you know, try to find little.

Yeah. You know, just asking them, is that true? Because I can see, you know, I have teens as well and oh goodness. I mean this time period alone is difficult enough, you know, whether it's just the teens or the world we're in is both together. It's just a bomb waiting to go off.

But yeah, she'll say things,  I'll listen, and I'll say, you know, is it really that your friend isn't calling you back and, or is it, you know, is that really true? The story you have just made up about tonight, you know what everyone's doing? And you're not really a true story, you know? And it does make her think. Yeah. I mean, they must go through that all the time. So it's just, you need to write a book on teens and impostor moments. That's your next one?

Yeah. That's actually not a bad idea. Um, you know, I, I will say, um, I will say this one, this one thing about that. So a little bit of a tangent, a lot of the Google alerts kept coming up that this is a one a woman's issue. And this is an issue for minority women and  well, I definitely can understand how it might feel worse for women and for women of color. And I'm not a woman of color. I mean, I'm white.

So I don't relate to that. You know, feeling, I can understand how that would be worse, but I like to differentiate it because an impostor syndrome really comes from within. It's all about your own self doubt. Now, again, it could feel like it's worse. Um, my only statement about this is that research was originally done on women.

And so that's why it probably comes up. The original study, you know, was done on women. And so most women feel this well later, there was a study done on both men and women. And it was, it was found that it was absolutely equal. There was no difference in gender. And the reason why I'm talking about this is that men often, well, don't talk about it. Men are more likely to keep this quiet or not tell the world I have impostor syndrome as a CEO. So that's probably why it's not out there as much.

And now, back to teenagers, I don't think they know what this is. Right. They don't know what this is. They've heard the word confidence probably. And they've heard, um, self-esteem, but I don't know that they even know what really self-worth efficacy or all of those kinds of terms. And I think that's kind of where some of this stuff can be spoken about or encouraged or, you know, um, taught, I guess,.

Going back to the man, it's just funny because even before recording with you, my husband goes, oh, what's your topic? I'm like impostor syndrome. And he's like, he laughs. He goes, are you talking about me? And that's my life. He'd never thinks of himself the way other people look at him, he's very successful. He's done so many amazing things. And he just feels like the stupid kid in the class.

Well, my husband he is very smart. I feel like he's probably one of the smartest people I know. And I don't know that he would say that about himself, but you definitely think he thinks that I'm not an arrogant or anything, but just, you know, a smart guy. And he always would tell me how his report took so long to write. Like I had to write this proposal and it took me five days instead of one, because I couldn't get this right. And, I started to recognize that he has perfectionism and that is a major form of impostor syndrome.

So when you are a perfectionist, you don't feel good enough. You are doubting that this is going actually to be good. You're doubting that someone's gonna read it and it's gonna, you know, they're gonna accept it or whatever. Even at LinkedIn posts, if you're like taking eight days to write one there, there's probably some perfectionism going on; just put it out there. Right. That's what they like done is better than perfect. And there's no such thing, so when he started to say that, I was like, wait, is that impostor syndrome? And I started asking him about his own experiences with impostor moments or whatever.

And he's like, oh, absolutely. And I couldn't have been more surprised really, because we haven't really talked about that before, I guess, you know, like, because he just seems very sure of himself actually, and not like he doubts himself. So yeah.

Yeah. I can't think that there would be anyone who doesn't have a little bit of this. Are there people out there that don't have impostor syndrome?

I guess? So my dad is probably gonna listen to this podcast. So hi.

One person, he has been the one person who has told me that he doesn't have impostor syndrome. And here's my thought on that. He also is, he's an engineer and engineers are tough ones. They pretty much think they know everything. Right. And they probably do. They're really smart. They know how things work. They know how computers work. They know how air conditioning works like that stuff just from one degree, but they do. So they're born that way. They have that kind of brain. He, um, is basically sort of an inventor. And he's also the lead subject matter expert on a specific type of transportation.

Like, so when he goes and speaks at a conference, no one knows what he's talking about. I mean, they've heard of it, but they don't understand all the nuances. So when, yeah, when he's on the stage, he is the expert. So no, of course he's not going to feel like an imposter because he knows his stuff and he knows if anyone in that audience says anything, he will know the answer. So that's pretty cool confidence in that moment. I'm sure if we dug a little deeper,.

I was going to say like, go back to when he like, as a dad, as a dad, like asking, like how did you feel actually? Right? Like exactly. Or.

A lot of things, I'm sure he felt some kind of self doubt around. Um, I was just probably so shocked when he said that I was like, I got to go. Like, I don't know, because I've never heard anyone say they didn't have it. So yeah. Completely different. Most people will like a good example of feeling like an imposter is when you're, if you are on stage, you are freaking out because you're afraid someone is going to stand up and say, you are full of it. What do you know about this topic? Right. Like we all have that moment instead of, but I know everything.

Nobody can question me. So he is the only one I've ever heard to be honest.

Wow. Okay. And it's your dad, and you're writing this book, so tell us a little bit about your book.

So it will, I had a presale which is over, it was like a Kickstarter campaign sort of thing that my publisher had me do. But, um, it will be out on Amazon in October. So it's still a ways away, which is good because I'm literally still working on edits, but yeah, it'll be out in October, and it really is. Like I said, the stories I tell are definitely for everyone. You know, I tell a story about General who I was able to interview, and how he had a moment of impostor syndrome.

Now talk about impostor syndrome. I had to ask him this a four time decorated war veteran. Um, have you ever had a moment when you know, doubted yourself? Oh my gosh. I was so nervous to ask that question. I just thought he would look me in the eye on zoom and be like, are you kidding? I'm a fricking general. Like, what do you think.

Oh, absolutely. So that story and my buckets are pretty short story, but, um, I talk about that. Um, Tiffany Haddish, you know, we had a chance to interview her, and she talks about how just even putting out her book, which is a bunch of short stories about her life. And, you know, she came from a pretty rough background. So she talks about like, who am I to even write a book? Who am I to even think anybody wants to read a book, let alone her being like totally famous actress and comedian. And I talk a lot about that in the book. And then I also talk about just an HR director and how she didn't want to get up on stage, you know, stuff like that. So it's kind of a book for everyone.

Yeah. Personal stories. And I did see, I think you had, uh, like maybe a promotional video out on Facebook or something and it was so great. Cause it had these little quotes and there was one from Michelle Obama and it was like, I had to overcome that I'm good enough or something like that. And I was just like, whoa. And I was like, this is Michelle Obama. Like she even has doubts, which made me just feel good. You know?

Yeah. When you think about who has Maya Angelou, there's another quote by her, in my book because she says I've written 11 books. Like why aren't they going to come tell me to stop? You know? Like who are you to write a book kind of thing.

Yeah.

Crazy quotes. Um, and yeah, it's, it was fun to do it did a little promotional video it's on YouTube. You could probably Google it like Candace impostor moment. Um, that was fun to do and to talk about the book. But I think this book would be great for business owners or people with teams, but people who have kids, anybody really with anyone in their life, any relationship, it's a good thing to have that self-awareness, and that's really what this is all about. It's about understanding who you are, what does hold you back.

And so that you're able to potentially get over those things.

So I'm excited about it. I'm going to, I'm going to read it, and then apparently, I have a lot to work through, so I'll get myself some coaching. It'll be great.

So thank you for saying that one more time, because we all have this and we can all get over it. And if we understand that about each other, right. Have you, I don't know if you ever had this moment where, you know, you walk into, let's just say the mall and there's some fancy lady and she's wearing fancy clothes and you're just thinking, wow, she's got her shit put together and she's perfect and amazing. And then you kind of remind yourself, wait, I bet. She's not right. Like I bet she has those times when she's doubting herself or she's, I'm afraid she's going to slip in those shoes or whatever.

Right. Like you kind of remind yourself that I don't know that we're all human and that you just have to remember that. And that's kind of where this book has been born from this moment of like, I want everyone to know that it is okay. We all have these moments.

And I love that you say we are all human. That's just so great because there are times like when I'm doing this podcast and I have people on that have done lots of amazing things like yourself, but it's like, I'm like, I'm a mom, you know, I have a job, you know, but you know, I'm not anyone I'm like, why am I even talking to these people? Right. So, but then I remember that's what I say to myself. I said, you know, I'm just talking to another mom. I'm just human. And that's always such a big thing for me. Like, we're all we are all human and therefore we can all relate to each other.

Yeah. So, so cool.

It's so true. And I, yeah, I hope you get the book because there are some really good stories. I'd love to like talk for another hour, but that's okay.

Well, we will have to do a take two, but I do want to ask you just to share with all parents that are listening, what has been your favorite parenting resource?

Um, I think that is such a great question. And unfortunately, I'm not, unfortunately I shouldn't say that I would want to share one that again, like if you don't want to be a member of this club, but if you are out there listening and you need a little bit of some support, if a lot of your listeners are in Colorado, if your child has a problem with marijuana or any kind of dependency or eating disorders or cutting or anything like that, there are programs out there. I won't obviously list them all.

Please reach out to me. I'd be happy to talk to you about it. There is a resource though, that I would love to share. And it's, there's a woman who used to be a motivational speaker, and her name is Laura stack. Her son unfortunately committed suicide, but it was as a result of total marijuana dependency, like dabbing a ton and anyway, killed himself. And in his honor, she has basically stopped doing what she was doing and created something amazing.

And she has a website called Johnny's ambassadors.org and where she lists, you know, there's education about all this stuff. And then there's also a ton of resources like, like AA meetings or, or narcotics anonymous or, you know, everything that's out there rehabs like all different stuff. And I did not know about that when my son was going through his issues. Um, and I think it would be so helpful if you know,.

Struggling or, you know, someone, I mean, let's face it. We all at least know someone whose kid is struggling. So it's J O H N N Y S and then ambassadors. Um, so yeah, that's kind of what I would offer.

That is great. That is so helpful because I think those resources are so hard to find. And when you find a good resource, that's why we need to share it. And so that's why I like to ask this question, um, now for the podcast, because I find that people have such great resources that we don't know about.

Right. So, yeah. And honestly, I'm seriously, very serious about this. If anybody wants to reach out to me about how to get your kid help, I don't have all the answers, but I can definitely point you in some very good directions.

Yeah. Great. Well, thank you for coming on the show today. I'm truly excited about your book coming out and all the work that you're doing and just your insights that you shared and thanks for being so vulnerable and honest about everything. Yeah.

I am an open book and I'm glad that my son is too. And he said, you know, mom, if I can help one person by telling my story, please share it. So thank you so much for having me on. And I really appreciate it. And  I love listening to your podcast and now I was able to be on it. So it was an honor. So thank you so much, Lisa,.

Thank you for listening to today's episode, Candice has given us so much valuable information and steps we can take and dealing with our own limiting beliefs and impostor moments. Remember when you're in these moments, ask yourself, is this really true? Come join us on our Facebook group, where we can support one another as we conquer our own impostor syndrome and don't forget to follow Real Life Momz so you don't miss an episode.





Candice Kingston

Author

Candice Kingston is a speaker, author, and leadership coach who works with small business owners and high-level professionals to help them grow personally and professionally. The working title of her upcoming book is Your Impostor Moment: Breaking Through The Internal Roadblocks of Self-Doubt and Impostor Syndrome. Her superpower is uncovering roadblocks that may be holding you back from reaching your true potential and creating a life and business you love. She spent 12 years in corporate working in Health insurance - not exactly loving it and through the help of coaching, discovered a place where she finally felt like she could make an impact and help others. She works with those suffering from a lack of confidence, overwhelm (doing all the things), and self-awareness. When she's not busy building and running a business, she can be found cooking for her family (hubby Lucas, and 3 boys/young adults), hiking with her dog Chloe, or skiing with her girlfriends.