Welcome back to the Real Life Momz podcast. This podcast is a self help platform to give tools, resources, and inspirations to moms so that they can create the life they desire. I'm Lisa Foster, I'm your host, and today I have Lynita Mitchell Blackwell with us. She is an intuitive business coach. She has built an award winning law firm and publishing house.
author, CPA and ordain new thought minister. And Lynita loves to share the formula to ultimate successful life with peace, joy, and fulfillment. That sounds amazing. So thank you for coming on the show today. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate you. I'm so excited. Uh, I'm excited. I'm excited to dig into this formula.
So I love formulas. I have a feeling this one is not a plug and play and that we're going to have to work for it. But before we jump into that, it's [00:01:00] right, it's going to be hard, right? Hard work, but that's good work. Um, but before we jumped into that, I would love to learn kind of what even caused you to start your own journey in finding your ultimate successful life.
So This is the greatest platform for that because it was an interaction that I had with my daughter who at that time was six years old. So, I need to go back to the beginning a little bit though. I have had a wonderful life, Lisa. I have the most wonderful family. I was raised in a community that supported me.
And I... Listen to what they told me, which was what they knew if you work hard and you do well, you get a good job. You'll marry. Well, you have a beautiful family and you'll be happy and live that way ever after. And that worked until it didn't. I got a lot of accolades. You've read my bio. Thank you very much for that beautiful introduction.
But I got [00:02:00] addicted to that and I didn't know how to stop. I. Get these things and then be happy for a short time, and then it would wear off. And then I would go and work hard and get some other things. And I never paused to give myself rest, and not only was I a mom of a small child, but
I am the daughter of two aging parents. And so, my body started to break down and I didn't listen. My hair broke off in chunks. I just slapped a wig on. And I had a wig collection that would have made Rihanna like, Girl, let me get in that, you know? And my nails split in half. And I just started wearing acrylics.
Just blinged them out. My skin started to deteriorate. I just learned how to do my face like the Instagram girls, and I just took each of those things as [00:03:00] challenges to learn something new, to make me better. I did not take them for what they were, which were warning signs that I needed to stop and. The ultimate stop that I just could not blow through was when my daughter at six found me passed out in the middle of the floor from exhaustion.
Literally, she saw me and she got her Disney blanket from her bed and she put it over my body and she got a pillow and tucked it under my head and she kissed me on the forehead and said, good night, mommy. And the only thing I had strength to do was to say good night, baby. I couldn't tuck my child in.
And that's when I was like something has to give because this is unsustainable. I'm not going to be able to see her graduate from high school, see her go on and do the amazing things that I know that she will become the [00:04:00] woman that she wants to be if I don't stop. And so that started me on a two year journey.
And put me on course to work with professionals who could help. And in doing that, that's where the concept for live life on fire and the blueprint came to be. I had to work through it myself. And then when people saw me, because there are a lot of people, moms out here who have similar stories to mine.
We just don't share. Because we can't. Let somebody know that we can't be all to everyone and keep a smile on our faces because nobody else in our circle is doing that. And the people that we see outside the circle doing that. She is a mess. Yes, she is me. She is me. Oh my gosh. We have to do better and create these safe [00:05:00] spaces for us to be transparent so we can get the help that we need.
I mean, so relatable because it's so true. It's like, whether it's like something physical, like your hair, you know, falling out or nails or just like pain or not feeling good or anxiety or whatever. It's like amazing how much we mask and just try to keep going until literally you can't anymore.
And, you know, we probably don't have all moms falling on the floor. And passing out. But like at the end of the day, that's also where disease starts and comes from like it comes out in different ways. So it's so important to pause and and kind of reflect on our life. And I love that. You were saying, success doesn't equal happiness, right? Like you think it does. And yes, like you said, you get so excited. Like, Oh, I won that award or I got this or I got my book out even right. But then it fades because there's that missing piece, but, you bridged the gap to this missing piece.[00:06:00]
So what is that bridge? Like, how do we get to the other side? So the bridge we are required to redefine success. And we do that by shifting from trying to achieve perfection to shifting to excellence. And the difference is literally, perfection, if you look in a dictionary, is meeting a standard, but who set that standard?
Because you certainly didn't. It was your parents. It was an employer. It was a mentor or a coach. It was someone external to you. And where did they get that from? They got that from someone, too. And so literally, here we are, breaking our necks, and pushing past the things that make us happy, that bring joy to our hearts, to check off the boxes on someone else's checklist.
And we stay so [00:07:00] busy that we don't even realize it is happening until we wind up flat on our backs or on the floor or in some corner bawling our eyes out because we're so overwhelmed. So in shifting from this perfection to this, this list now that we create. That's excellence. We're setting the standard.
And the beautiful thing about that, Lisa, is it means that it can change over time. Because what is excellent now at 47 was not at 27. And I sure hope it will be better in 67. So that's it. It is simple, but most of us don't take the time to actually appreciate it. Oh my God, I love every word of that and it just makes me feel like it's going to be different for every single body, which is so nice because then you don't have to look at the next person and see what they're doing because it's not [00:08:00] the same list.
No, it's not. And it shouldn't be. I tell you, that came to me one day when I was on my bike. I had just gotten my Peloton and I did not realize that the leaderboard had two sections. One for live who's here right now and one for who was there at some point in time. And so my whole goal when I'm on that bike, I'm not going to lie, I just don't want to be last.
It's okay. And so I'm there, I'm pedaling and I'm going, and then I noticed that there was no movement. And I clicked and I realized Lisa, I was the only person there at that point, at that time of day, there was no one else in there, but me. And I was just like, I have been killing myself to be phantom.
Right. But how many times do we actually do [00:09:00] that? We do that, right? No one's even looking. No one even cares. But yet we're beating ourselves up over nothing. Yes. Yes.
That is so funny. So, okay. So big question, right? Like, how do we create the list? What is the formula? What, how do we even begin? Yes, so it's five steps, and so I'll enumerate them, and then we can chop it up. Sound good? Oh, I love it. Yes. So, we have to find purpose in people. Second, we have to leave it all on the table.
Third, we have to unstretch ourselves. Then, fourth, we serve with purpose, and fifth, we live our model life. Okay, so the first I said, we have to find purpose in people. Uh, that means that... All these things that we have been very proud of, that we have worked hard for. I'm not telling you that they're not [00:10:00] important and that you should have spent your time differently.
That would be hypocritical. I like nice things too. I like having a roof over my head so when it rains, I don't get wet. So I'm not telling you to throw away all those things, right? What I'm saying... Is that if we want to get to a place where we are living a life full of peace, joy, and fulfillment, then that means that we can no longer look to things.
We have to look to how we serve people in order to keep the well of gratitude and thanksgiving constantly flowing. So, what does that mean? Every person was placed here for a reason. And some people have multiple reasons, some people have one big one. When we work according to that purpose, then we are passionate and we are excited about life.
Then that means that no matter what someone else is doing or saying [00:11:00] or being, or like I was talking about on the bike, riding the bike with us. That we know that we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing. Paul Selig wrote this book, The Book of Truth, and in it he says, I know who I am, I know what I am, I know how I serve.
When we have those things nailed down, no one can pull us off our square. We cannot be emotionally hijacked, at least not for long. And we can go through life knowing that we are exactly where we're supposed to be in life. So that's the first thing right there. So, so beautiful. And I love that. My question though for that is, what if people don't know what that is?
So that's a wonderful question, so we can back into that, make a list of the things that you actually [00:12:00] enjoy, not the things that people have told were good for you, and that you're good at. I'm talking about the things that if nobody is looking, you go to that thing. So, are you the type of person when you're reading a book, You're constantly finding errors, then you might have a gift for editing, right?
Are you the type of person who remembers things that nobody else does? They're obscure. You like stories. Sometimes you might be in somebody's business a little too much. You might have a career as a private detective. I'm so serious, right? But people don't think outside of what someone else has said they need to do.
What their education has said they need to do. Because that's not how we are engineered. That's not the way that our education system is set up. It's not the way that most of our [00:13:00] communities and our families are set up. And it's not out of malice. It's out of protection. Our parents, our families, our teachers, they just want to make sure that we can get a job and feed ourselves.
That is not a bad thing. But once we have the basics covered, it is now time for elevation. We gotta move on. And I can see it like from the parent side, right? Like, I know you're a mom too. It's like, you are like our kids right now. We were talking about colleges before we jumped on and it's like, Oh my God, like picking the right one.
But like, yes, I'm giving outside influences. Yes, because I'm worried that I'm not giving my, you know, doing my job if they're, they don't succeed. It's my fault. But what you're saying is like, whoo, chill out and let people grow because they will and they will find their way and they can find their own path and [00:14:00] their own joy.
And that's going to be worth so much more. Absolutely. Absolutely. And, you know, that goes perfectly to the second point of leave it all on the table. Um, the fellas would say, leave it all on the field. And I tell The ladies that I coach, I'm like, don't get mad at the fellas. Look at what they're doing and emulate that.
They get mad, boy, they might fight. And then it's gone. They move on. A lot of times ladies, we get mad and we hold that stuff. And we don't realize. That in holding it, just like you said earlier, Lisa, that stuff becomes disease, it becomes illness, anxiety, depression sometimes, your hair falling out, and we don't realize what is going on.
Everything that you do, you did the best that you could with what you had at that moment and what you knew. [00:15:00] And that means that the person standing in front of you, It's the same deal. And that is hard because I am asking you to
give yourself grace as well as the person sitting across from you because the person sitting across from you, their behavior has nothing to do with you, whoever was standing on the X in front of them.
They were going to behave that way, whether it was good, bad, indifferent, has nothing to do with you, but that is hard because it feels personal because you're the one having to deal with it in that moment. But. If we make an agreement with ourselves when we get up every day and say, no matter what someone else says, I am at peace.
I am in joy. I am in love with my life and I am fulfilled, not content, but fulfilled. That means that when we go out into the world, no matter what [00:16:00] people
say, what they do, we are behaving and showing up. The best way that we can, and that day is closed when we get home. It's over. Yeah. Leave it on the field.
Leave it on the field, or leave it on the table, however you want to say it. So,
now the next one, I still work with this. I don't say struggle so much because that would indicate I don't know what to do and that's not true. I just sometimes choose not to. Unstretch yourself then. When I was getting help after I was out in the floor exhausted, Exhausted. I worked with a performance coach, Rowena Silvera Beck, and she had me write down everything that I was involved in, every role.
And so, for the role of mom, she was like, oh, no, no, no. You gotta [00:17:00] break that down. What does that mean? Are you preparing meals? Are you going grocery shopping? Are you doing laundry? Are you doing hair? Are you cleaning? What does that mean, mom? Well, when I broke it down, I only had 12, but that was just in the mom category.
So once I did that, I had seven pages, single space of responsibility. And she told me, you've got to scale that down to two.
It took a minute to do that because responsibly. You can't just throw your hands up, walk away, and then come back after you have WUSAD and expect everybody to be cool with that. That is irresponsible. It's unkind, right? And so if you are leading any organizations or groups, and you know you need to roll off of them, then you might need to take some time to identify someone to train [00:18:00] so that you can do that.
Or if no one wants to step up, giving enough notice so that If they did want to try to find somebody, they could. It also means you realize that everything that you're involved with, although it's positive and it is good for the community and it makes you feel good, it's not necessarily aligned with your purpose.
And so it's time to go. And that's hard, especially when we have friends and have made really good connections and networks, but that doesn't excuse the fact that if you've got seven pages of responsibilities. That's, that's bananas and this is sounding to me almost like, you know, like the KonMarie method for cleaning your clutter. Have you heard of that? Oh, yes. Like, does it bring you joy? And if it doesn't, we're going to get rid of this article. Like, it almost makes me feel like [00:19:00] that.
Like. Are these activities, or seven pages, are they all bringing, what's bringing me joy? And if it doesn't, it doesn't light me up, then that's not filling me, and that's the one I should get rid of. Right? That's right. Yeah. That's exactly right. And then, serving with purpose, which is related to that.
You know, we, we come into these organizations, whether it's work, church, community, civic, whatever it is, and we get there and we like it. And then we want to stay, but you know, that's one thing that corporate America does get right with up or out, because at least conceptually, you should always be learning, growing, expanding.
And if that stops, it is time to move on because the experience for life, for living joyfully requires us to grow over time. Everything that happens, every experience, every [00:20:00] challenge is an opportunity for us to grow, even the things that are negative. I know we've all heard the saying, uh, every cloud has a silver lining.
Well, what if you were the silver lining? How do you get the silver lining if you're still staying in the same place? Because there is no challenge. And it's not to say that you can't grow in your comfort zone, but it's going to take a lot longer. And you're depriving someone else of the spot, of the space. It's so true. It's like, I know in my own life when, you know, it's scary to move out of that comfort zone. Like when you find whatever it's the job or whatever you're doing that just kind of fits you and you can just keep going day to day and not even think about it, there's ease to that, right?
There's predictability. So it's comfortable. That's [00:21:00] all. But at the end of the day. I find when I'm, like, doing something that's a little scary, um, and I do it, I'm just so excited and happy. It fills me. When I learn something new, that also, like, fills me. I feel so full. Like, that's why I love these conversations, because I'm always learning something new, and I'm always stepping out of my comfort zone, because I never know who comes on, or their background, and it's all, like, live, right?
So it's, you know, so it's exciting. And We should keep growing. And when you don't, it just, yeah, it doesn't feel good. It feels yucky. I don't know the word, but yucky. No, I think that's a great word. And Lisa, I so respect and admire you for creating a space where you could ensure Not just your audience growth and expansion, but your own as well.
So here's a question for you. How do you know, when you feel fulfilled? So for me, I am fulfilled when I am grateful. [00:22:00] And I know that sounds simple, but sometimes. Particularly like when I'm doing law part of my life. It can get hard. Most days I practice what I call happy law. So I'm a residential real estate attorney.
And so when people are meeting me, they are doing something great. They're buying a house or they are purchasing some investment property or taking
money out to clean up their bills, you know, something that'll move them forward. But then there are other terms. That is not happening. I'm meeting them on almost the worst day of their lives.
They're considering divorce. They are preparing their will because they have been given the notice that, um, it's winding down. You know, um, they are dealing with their kids and things aren't going well there. So, when those days happen, I have to turn within myself and [00:23:00] remember how grateful I am. But this is with a twist, because I will tell you, I was raised to do compare contrast.
At least I have more than so and so. Thank God that that is not happening to me. But that goes back to the whole perfection, excellence. Happiness being externally validated. Right. And so I don't do that. I am grateful for this moment right here, right now, period. And I keep making the list of all the things that I'm grateful for until I am back to center
yeah, I started and I have movement if that if that means anything to you, but. And instead of like just saying, I'm grateful this, but just to see what I have, , like I'll say, I have an amazing dinner tonight, or I [00:24:00] have a hug for my son, or I have this amount of clients on my schedule today.
And because it used to be like, Oh, I need, I want, you know, it's like all this, like you said, external stuff, but when I actually wrote down what I have. I realized I already have it. Yeah, I just see it because I was too busy looking all the way there or somewhere else. So, yeah, I love that kind of internal grateful.
Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, to your point about being so busy looking around. Um, I have been very blessed to have a range of clients. And the thing that is consistent among all of them, I don't care how much they have. I'm talking about certified multimillionaires. They always want more. So that cannot be the determining factor of what brings you fulfillment.
It's never enough. Stuff [00:25:00] is never enough. Yeah, so true. Yes, I mean, I've experienced that myself, you know. It's like I get to a certain place and then I still am like, I am here. Like, I am here where I want to be. Like, financially, physically, everything. But I'm still not. Like happy there, you know, not feeling successful.
So going back to that internal or the formula, now that I have, I have to practice it. But yeah, it's so important because it's so true. You get to that point. You still want more because you're looking around and everyone else has more. That's right. And you know, when we talk about the formula, it all leads to you living a model life and that model life is the model for you.
Now, people are going to come and they're going to ask you what you're doing because it happened to me because my hair started growing back. My nails, I went for a long time without getting them done and they were long and strong and [00:26:00] healthy and my skin recovered. And there was a glow that just came because I was healing and I was well.
And people came and asked me. I never had to, like, volunteer and say, Oh, you need to do such and such. But that's because I was creating, enjoying, and journeying through a life that was now predicated upon peace, joy, and fulfillment. And interestingly, more came because of it. So all that hard work I was doing before with staying up late and getting up early and trying to be all things to all people that fell away.
And yet I still get invited to wonderful programs like yours. I still have the opportunity to share my work, um, like my book and to get out there and be among the people and still be recognized and [00:27:00] appreciated. For who I am, what I am, and how I serve. Those things don't go away. They are enhanced. You get more.
That's the model life. Yeah. It's amazing how many doors open when you're living in your own alignment. Yes. Yes. Yes. Well, and you mentioned your book, so tell us a little bit about your book and where the listeners can find you. Oh, absolutely. So, Live Life on Fire, The Guide to the Ultimate Successful Life Full of Peace, Joy, and Fulfillment is truly the cheat sheet on how to answer the question, what am I here for?
And I break it out into five sections, uh, breathing, silence, flow, Meditation and living in awe, and it's all based upon the five areas that we went through earlier with the blueprint, and [00:28:00] you can get it on from my website, lynitamitchellblackwell.Com. And that will take you to Amazon where you can get the paperback, the hardback, Kindle, or Audible.
I love Audible, I have to say. Me too, because trying to get through like a paper copy or something nowadays, it's going to take a year. Yeah, I could drive and read. I can clean and read. I just love it. Yes, absolutely.
And then one more big question is, What would you have wanted another mom to tell you? Girl. Stop. I really had anxiety about everything having to be done right here, right now, perfectly. [00:29:00] And not only is it impractical, but it diminishes the beautiful journey that life is because I did not have time to just really enjoy it. There are so many things that I missed when my daughter was small chasing after.
These elusive happiness goals, and I tell younger mothers now all the time, enjoy them because you're going to blink and they'll be 16 trying to drive your car. Yeah, so true. So true. Well, this is such a lovely conversation. I really thank you for sharing such words of wisdom and I am looking forward to checking out your book on audible and thank you so much for coming on.
Oh, thank you so much, Lisa, [00:30:00] for having me. I really appreciate you.
