Hi, and welcome to Real Life Momz, I'm your host Lisa Foster and Real Life Momz is a podcast. It's all about connecting moms through real parenting conversations. I believe that moms have so much insight and knowledge, and together we are powerful. On this podcast, we give moms a voice to tell their stories and share their expertise and resources through real conversations. And this week we're talking with Rocio Perez. She developed the Unstoppable 7 Steps to Becoming a more intentional leader coaching program and wrote an international besting book to support individuals in creating and living a life they love.
She is also the creator of the mind shift game to help people be more courageous, boost their confidence, expand their vision, own their power, and elevate their energy to achieve their desires. And Rocio is here today to talk to us about intentional parenting. Hi Rocio
Welcome to Real Life Momz, I am so excited to have you on the show today to talk about intentional parenting.
Well, Lisa, thank you so much. It's such an honor and a privilege to get to know you and talk about this such an important topic in our lives.
I know you had not had an easy childhood. You were a single teen mom, and I thought maybe you could just kind of talk about your background a little bit and how you kind of developed this concept of intentional parenting.
But growing up as a little girl, Lisa, I saw a lot of adversity and I experienced a lot of abuse, physical, mental, and all kinds of abuse as a little girl. And at one point I just vowed, I'm like, wow, parents aren't supposed to be like this. Right? They're, they're supposed to be loving and compassionate and caring. And I always long for that. I wanted my mom to love me. I wanted to be cared for, and I always thought the day that I would have a child, I would be nice to them, that I would be intentional with what I'm doing because I saw the impact of what wasn't.
I come from extreme adversity. A lot of my family has been through things that kids should never even be through. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> or even read in a book thinking about how do we really connect?
And so moving forward, I ran away from home because of the abuse. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, because of lack of understanding, I knew that I would not stand a chance to continue to move any further in my life, or even live for that matter. I did look at my grandmother one day before I ran away and I said, grandma, you know they're gonna kill me. My response is, I know, I mean, my grandmother was defeated in that moment and it's like, I need you to help me. Right. So that's where my journey began to become a more intentional individual, an intentional parent.
Unfortunately, things didn't pan out the way I thought they were gonna pan out. By the time I was 14, I ran away with my 22-year-old boyfriend.
Oh my.
And again, like continuing the cycle of ignorance and poverty and you name it. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, there were a lot of things that didn't work for me. And at one point I got pregnant. Now I'm 14 years old, figuring out life and saying, what am I gonna do now? Like I vowed to protect my son and take care of him and raise him the best that I could. And I knew that. I knew that it was important to read to him. I knew it was important to connect with him. I knew it was important for him to really experience love, all those things that I hadn't experienced.
And I truly believe that we can give something that we don't have. A lot of us are like, oh, I've never experienced that. It's awkward. And I'd say, do it because you're gonna be proud that you did. You, you're gonna be able to start to fill that void inside of you.
Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, as I did now as a, now as a parent, now 15 years old, having this little guy who was amazing talking with him. And I remember things weren't going very well. I mean, I wanted to leave that relationship from the onset. And then I figured at one point that I needed to be much more intentional as a mother, even more than what I had dreamed of. And I remember this moment when my son was playing with his little cars. He was four years old. Okay, so paint the picture. Four years old, he's on the kitchen floor and he's playing with his little box cars.
And he's like, and my mom does this. And I'm like, oh my gosh. Like, is that the way that I react? Like seriously, is this the way that he's experiencing me?
So he was kind of modeling what he was seeing. He.
Was modeling.
Yes. So those little mirrors right there, oh my.
Gosh, they're such little mirrors. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And if we pay attention to them, we can completely start to change the narrative of that With Victor. I said, no, and immediately I enrolled in parenting classes and started figuring out what are some tips. What can I do better? What can I do differently? And lo and behold, I figured out that I had to be intentional in everything I did.
I have so many moments that just listening to your story, like first of all, any one of those things is hard enough that you were dealing with as a child, right? And then to be a parent, which is like hard enough on top of all the stuff that you were dealing with, like, oh my gosh, that's just so much. I guess my question is, how did you know how to behave? Like the things you wanted, you wanted to read a book when you didn't have that modeled for you? Like how did you even know about that?
I saw that on TV ever since I was a little girl. I remember watching a teacher being compassionate with her students and connecting with them and helping them. That's where I wanted to become a teacher. And like she inspired me to become a teacher. That we see these things all over the environment, whether it's in a movie on TV with friends or whoever it may be. And I'm like, wow, I wonder what that would be like. And it seems like it's a great idea, so let me do it. And lemme tell you, I come from a place of, an experience in my life where I didn't even experience affection, you know, as a mother, how important it is in the formative years.
And I also come from an early childhood education background, self-taught, you know, many years down the road. But really understanding the importance of being affectionate, compassionate, caring, and empathetic with your child, and connection. Had to learn to do that.
That's not easy when you haven't felt it yourself.
Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And it's amazing when you start to see your children and how they're moving along and creating things because of that. Wow. He's much more empathetic, he's compassionate, and he understands.
That's beautiful. Can you explain what is intentional parenting? You know, we're using this term, but, how would you define it?
To me, intentional parenting is to see, this is the way that I put it for myself. When Victor was growing up, I am raising the man that he will become. What type of man, what type of individual, what type of person do I want to raise in the long run? Because everything that we do here today is going to have an outcome and a result. Now, I come from the coaching world as well, and coaching individuals. Sometimes when I'm coaching people are eight, you know, they're like completely destroyed or something's happened, right?
They've had, a great level of success. And then they plum it and up and down, up and down. And a lot of that comes from our childhood. So intentional parenting is how would I like for him to treat others in the future. How would I like for them to show up and be with other people in the world?
Do I want him to be compassionate? Should I talk about Victor? I wanted him to be compassionate, empathetic, loving, caring, and understanding. And there were moments there, Lisa, that I got to see it. I got to see it when I remember Victor and John, they were playing out with two other children who were also playing by beside them one day. And these little guys were cussing each other out. They were like mean to each other. And listening to Victor and John, John wasn't catching the bond. Victor was like, it's okay John, it's good.
Try it again. Do it again. Pick it up. You'll get it. And really understanding, and seeing the ripples of my impact in those moments really solidified that I was on the right track. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> so much so that my son would tell me, he's like, mom, how come you're different? Remember one day he ran down the stairs, he's 11, he was 11 years old at the time.
And he's like, mom, why are you so different from my family and my uncles and my father and these people? And I'm like, what are you talking about, son? And in that, it was the loving and the compassion and the understanding and how I did things differently. And he named it. He's like, people are out partying on the weekends and you're not, sometimes they're yelling at their kids. And I, one of those things that it, I didn't yell at home. Okay. There was one time that somebody yelled and my son ran down the stairs and he thought the house was on fire, <laugh>.
And he was like, what?
What is that? Well, it's so interesting cuz we're not yellers either. In our house, we get disappointed a lot, but we're not yellers. And when we had a family, uh, visit us and stay with us, they were yellers. And my whole family was like, oh my God, I don't even know what to do with that. It's such a different environment, you know? And when you're not used to it, which I'm glad we're not, um, it really affects us.
Oh, it really does. And it starts to shape. So intentional parenting is to see who is the person that I'm creating, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, because we are in the process of creation. We're in the process of continuing to mold and do everything from zero to seven. Knowing what I know today, from a coaching perspective and human development, we start to live our lives from that perspective, everything that we see up until then is what we're gonna become. Right? If we grew up in a compassionate environment, we're gonna be compassionate feed.
If we grew up in a mean environment, guess what we're gonna be, we're gonna be mean. Right? And to really understand that is this action that I'm about to partake in, is going to be the greatest benefit for my child in the future.
Yeah. So I'm just thinking, so is the actual parenting piece, you actually modeling these types of behaviors and providing that environment for them and they're mirroring that? Is that what most.
Definitely, because children mirror, everything that we do in our life mm-hmm. <affirmative>, when you start to see, and it's like they're meaning me. Right? They're meaning us. I know. And they learn everything through the silent language that I'd say. And the silent language being that they're, it's our actions. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> or our words, they're modeling our actions over and over again. So we are born into what we call what some people call this is our world, that no matter what, this is our reality, our blueprint of the world.
Right. We can't even see it. It takes a lot of intentionality and consciousness to be able to see where our patterns come from. I had a choice. Yeah. And lemme tell you, there was a moment when there was a choice with Victor. And I was 17 years old and I'm going to university, and I remember Victor, he was kicking and screaming all the way home on the bus.
Okay. And I remember coming home, and this is like a moment of deep confession as a mother, where I'm thinking, wow, like Victor's out of control. Like, it was easy to stop and spank him. It was easy. But at that moment where I felt that energy of my mother towards me, I'm looking at this little guy and I'm like, no, never. Like, I have a choice on how I react, right? How I respond to the situation.
Right. I'm either reacting or responding. I choose to be conscious and respond to this moment here now and figure it out. Like nothing's ever that bad. Right. Where you need to spank a child.
Yeah. And so what I'm hearing is, you know, I, I picture myself in these moments, and I, I don't, I'm not as good as you <laugh> in taking that pause. Um, I do not spank, I don't do any of that. I'm not a yeller either, but I do react. I find it hard sometimes not to react. You know, you're in that moment, and your kid is having a fit. Like, I can remember one <laugh> one time I was in Barnes and Noble, um, and my daughter, I mean she was too, what a fit.
I mean she's kicking exactly. It was your son, right? Kicking and screaming. And it was like, you just feel this like, ugh. And you react from a place that's not, not always in our right brain, right? We're not in this place of like reason. And sometimes it's also we're reacting because it's our own personal issue, right?
We're embarrassed by my kid literally, you know, flinging around books and things in Barnes and Noble. So I lifted her up and they had the double doors, you know, like the door to go out and then the door to go full out. So it was like this double door and I just placed her there and she just like let it loose between these two glass doors. And I would have, uh, parents and people come in and look at me and I'd be like, yeah, she's having a moment. You know? I'm like, there's nothing I could do at this moment to calm her, so I'm just gonna wait it out and I'm just gonna, you know, just be like, yep, that's where I am and I hope you have a better day <laugh> than we are in this moment.
But I do think like that reacting, I mean in that place at least I could just put her somewhere safe and just wait. But how do you go about dealing with that, you know, not reacting? And actually in this, in a more of an intentional parenting, when you are also elevated at the moment,
Reconnect with your breath. Reconnect with your breath. I'm gonna say that anytime anybody calls me and they're panicking, they're like, oh, I'm like, breathe. Breathe. Please breathe. And start with the exhale. Because a lot of us start with the inhale, emptying out our lungs and breathing like a baby, right? Because most of us are breathing from our shoulders. It's actually not as productive. We're taking in 30% less oxygen. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> the concept, right? Spray like a baby. Start to reconnect with that. Gosh, there are so many places I wanna go with this conversation.
<Laugh> no go. We need help.
It's having a plan and lead. Okay. If I know that little Michael is going to run around and be a little wild, he's gonna be in the kitchen and he shouldn't be there and he's 18 months old and whatnot. So there's a couple of things and I wanna come back to that one in just a moment. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. The other thing is to recognize and realize that this child does not have the knowledge and skills and abilities and life experiences that we do. Okay? It's overwhelming. If somebody was to put us in a rocket, suit us to another planet, and expect us to be working around with, let's call 'em aliens, right?
<Laugh>, extraterrestrials that they're out there, we're not going to know how to function. Right? Right. It's gonna take a moment and imagine them lashing out at us for being mean to us. It's the same concept, right?
These children do not have that mental capacity depending on where they're at. There's a major difference between one to two, two to three, and three to four, right? That they don't have the cognitive abilities to be able to understand, Hey, I have this, this juice over here, but you gave Michael a bigger gloss. They don't understand that it's the same exact amount because it's not within their awareness yet. Okay. To understand that they have a limited capacity with what they know and they come here new and to everything.
Right? Yeah. Imagine somebody puts you in a different language and puts you into a completely different field, would you really thrive? That's where compassion and empathy come in. Looking at it through that lens and then getting back to little Michael, and then I'll tell you about little Johnny because little Johnny changed my life. Okay? Okay. You changed the way that I looked at the world.
So little Michael is now in the kitchen. They're like, get outta here. You gonna get burned? Let him touch the oven, let him get burned. No, no, no. What about like, hey little Michael, how about we go and read a book? We have that capacity. It takes a lot more energy to say, don't do something. And by the way, do your research on this children here, approximately 450 knows a day in compare to 50 yeses. Okay? So we start to program them whether we want to or not.
We're subconsciously programming them for at sometimes in life, sometimes for failure. If we look at it that way. Yeah. Okay. When we start telling him, no, no, no, no, no. And somebody now he's 20, 30, 50 years old and somebody tells him, no, okay, I won't do it. But yet it was the best opportunity and best experience.
So children who are allowed to, to talk and have these conversations are going to have a sense of belonging. They're gonna have a sense of power, they're gonna have a sense of empathy, connection, all of that. Because that's what they were taught at a very young age. And I see it from a coaching perspective where I'm working with an amazing doctor. I work with so many amazing people all over the world who have extraordinary success, yet they can't make that leap. Why They can't make that leap?
Okay. And then we start to explore and then later discover that it was the programming that they received as a child. They were told they were unworthy, they were told that if they got more of their brothers and sisters wouldn't get in. And because of that, now they can't make that mental leap onto the next level of their career. So start to look at what is the outcome of our experiences today. If I do this right here, what is gonna happen down the road? Right? Right. That is intentional parenting.
So I love that because instead of, you know,.
The kid in the kitchen, right? Doing things and wrecking it or whatever, getting burned, instead of being like, no, you can't do this. You can say, Hey, can you help me with this? And giving that responsibility. Cuz sometimes that they just need that guidance of either what to do or feeling of like belonging, you know? And just giving them that responsibility that they feel a little bit more like, oh, I have to do this. Okay, I can rise up, you know, to doing that. So I love that, instead of saying no, saying yes to something else.
Yes. And we all have that desire, that sense of belonging. Even a child that's been abused, severely abused, the likelihood that that child's gonna go against their parents given a specific age before the age of five or five years of age, they won't go against them even if they're given the opportunity. Why? Because they have that. They know that their survival depends on their parents. They want to know that sense. I mean, come on, we don't need to go very far. I was that kid. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I was that kid. Yeah. Right.
I was that child where people would tell me, are your parents doing anything? Oh, no, no, they're not. Guess what? They were beating me up back in blue and I still didn't say anything. Mm-hmm. But intentional parenting comes to come over here, let's have another conversation. And I shared the little internet could with you.
I love that story. Please share. Please share. Yes.
So Victor was five years old. I was working two jobs, you know, mind you, 20 years old. Okay, imagine that two jobs going to school. We didn't even have a car. Okay? I was going to university on a bus, dropping him off at daycare, and after a long day, had to take him to his doctor's appointment across town. I had already taken a few buses to even get home to pick him up from daycare and then have to go all the way back. And Victor looked at me and he's like, mom, I'm tired.
So it's about three o'clock in the afternoon. And he's like, I'm tired, can you just carry me? And I'm like thinking I can't carry him, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, nor is it his problem that I can't carry him. I was exhausted. Normally I would. I was simply physically exhausted. And I'm like, Victor, let me tell you about the story, about the little engine that could.
And as I was telling it to him, I'm like, and I think I can. And it was going up the hill, and I think I can, it's going up the hill and going up the hill, and I think I can't. And before we knew it, we were up that hill. And I didn't even have to say anything to Victor. I didn't have to say, oh gosh, you're so big. I can't carry you. I'm exhausted. None of his business. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Nor is it his problem. He wanted that connection, he wanted that comfort. He wanted to go up the hill. I couldn't give it to him. The very thing that he didn't think he can do, he did it based on a story, right?
Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> that we get to have that intentionality, that level of the intentionality of knowing, and I don't know about you, okay? So I grew up like if we grow up and we're, as I was growing up, and somebody would, mom would get up, for instance, you guys are late, just go, you woke up, whatever that was, I mean, that would freak me out.
Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, that would ruin the rest of my day. What can I do? And this is what I did for Victor. I'm like, son, guess what? You know, I was traveling. Okay, I'm doing 70 hours a week, going out to teach Alamosa, driving home, and getting home at 3 30, 4 o'clock in the morning. I had to get up at seven. Some days I'd get up at 7 15, 7 20. I was exhausted. Yes, we're late. You know, we're late to get a head start on our day and I need to go drop him off at school and he's not up. Yes. What we got up late, <laugh>, how about you go get ready, I'll go get your breakfast ready, you'll eat it in the car and you're gonna have a great day, a concert.
Because we see the re <laugh> getting back to Little Mike where we're like, let you got up late. Like, gosh, if anybody did that to me, I'd freak out. Okay. Yeah.
Oh no. I mean, I'm like, go, go, go, go, go. Come on guys, we're late. Let's go.
<Laugh>. I'd be panicking. I'm like, oh my gosh, I.
Missed my homework. I do that all the time though. I do that all.
The time. And then like the ripples of that, right? The trickling effect. All of a sudden, you know, here's little Michael gets to school, he's in trouble, doesn't have, he didn't eat breakfast, they didn't have his homework. His shoes are on the wrong feet. He's in the corner the rest of the day. His entire day is ruined. He gets home. The first thing that mom or dad say is, you're in trouble. Your teacher just called me because you were just a bad boy. And I'm like, who created that? How do we start to shift that narrative, that conversation, and make it safe for our children to be late, making it safe for them to ask us for what we need?
Okay, so now I'm gonna come back to little Johnny. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> little Johnny, three years old. Little Donny taught me one of the greatest lessons in the world.
And I was, by this time, I was teaching parenting courses and piling programs all over the state. And one day I show up and little Johnny's like, mom is, he's there with mom. And she's like, okay, don't bother me. You know, like I'm, I'm in the middle of something. I'm in the middle of something. Don't bother me. I didn't know what was going on. I said, okay, great. You know, we'll just continue on with our lesson plan today. And then little Johnny starts to throw things and I'm like, okay, well I, it looks like he's misbehaving, right? So mom is trying to calm him down. So let me tell you, it got so bad.
I think it's like your little gal and my little guy got together, okay. <laugh>, this little kid was a disaster. He was throwing things all over the place. And I'm like, and I'm really good with children, I believe.
And I'm like, okay. Without any words. I gave him papers and gave him Marcus to draw with. And then, and then he was outta control again. And I said, okay, fine. We're gonna stop the class right now. This is great. It's a great break. Let's go. Let's go have something to eat. And brought them food. So at that moment, mom puts a plate, we serving ta Molly's that that day puts a plate of tamales in front of him. And what happened next was magically little guy got up and picked up all the things that he had thrown.
Here's what actually happened. And then we'll talk about what happens in the future. When they had gotten there, mom said, don't bother me. I know you're hungry. Don't ask me for food right now. Yeah. So a little guy was hungry. He had no other way. If she's not tending to his human needs right away when he needs it, and he's being told that he can't guess what happens when children are nonverbal?
Yeah. They have to act out. They.
Have to act out.
It's the only communication they have. Yeah.
Yeah. Depending on our children, sometimes they act out so badly that we don't know what's happening. Okay, now let's see what that feature would bring to little Johnny. If little Johnny doesn't learn how to communicate and mom doesn't learn how to nurture him the way that he needs to be nurtured in time, little Johnny, every time he gets hungry, he's gonna get irate. Guess what's gonna happen in school? He's gonna get in trouble. Yeah. Right. Guess what's gonna happen in a relationship? He's going out with a girl. Okay, guess what's gonna happen in a marriage or in an intimate relationship, right?
There's a ripple effect, whether it's positive or negative, there's always a ripple effect. And we get to choose that intentionally. What is it that I do here now that's gonna lead to the greatest outcome? And I say that because, you know, let's fast forward.
I have a grandson who was seven and a half years old. I remember Emilio, I toss him up, he was 18 months old, and I toss him up in the air and I'm like, Hey Emil, this is so much fun. And I remember Emilio one day, just like I could feel the fear in his body, not under my watch because I knew that the moment that he felt fear like that with something that was fun for him to connect with, he would always feel it for the rest of his life. Like, I have a choice to change that. And I'm like, oh my gosh, this is so much fun.
This is so much fun. To the moment where he did start to internalize that, that was so much fun. And I've done that with my son. I've done that with other children, getting off a rollercoaster.
My, little niece was like shaking. She's like, but barely tall enough to get on the rollercoaster. I think I was more afraid that she was gonna <laugh>, but oh, hanging onto her, right? And we get off the rollercoaster, and she's like shaking. And my friends and I were there like, oh my gosh, that was so much fun. That was so much fun, right? That was so much fun. <laugh>. She's like, oh yeah, it was right. Because that's the pattern, right? It's always a moment of impact. And for a child, every moment is of impact. Okay?
Let's be honest. A cat comes and hisses at them like, ah, you know, they're gonna be afraid of cats forever, right? Until they recognize that cats are friendly. So,.
Gosh, this is so good. Um, you learned a lot of this older, right? You had your own child. You were, what, 15, 16. By the time you're like learning this, do you feel it's like too late to start it? Or can you start doing this parenting? Even if your kid is older?
You can do it at any time. And I've taught parenting courses to parents that were twice my eight mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And they did it. And they did an amazing job. For instance, his father walked in one day. First time I was, the first, and second cohort that I was teaching. I was 26 years old. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> so crazy. I wanted my life to mean something at that point. I said, how do I be more intentional and share this life of experiences for people, for parents to understand the impact, the impact on their life forever.
And so day one, the father walks in, and we're introducing each other. I'm like, well, what would you like to learn? What would you like to connect about? Go over to father. And he's like, I've taken these courses before and I didn't learn anything and I expect to learn nothing from you. Oh, <laugh>. And I'm like, okay, all right. Thank you. I have nothing to teach you. I'm not here to teach you anything. I'm here to learn from you as you from me, and we from each other. That's what we're here, we're here to share those experiences by the third class. And it was weekly class for 16 weeks.
Dad walks in with, his wife, it says, thank you Roil, thank you so much. It was because now my daughters no longer think I'm an ogre.
Oh.
He mentioned that he would walk home the moment that he'd walk in the door, the children would go to their rooms, and he get to engage with them. So those children were seven and nine. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>.
So they were older. Yeah.
Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Now they're 26 and 28, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, it's been a moment for sure. And they were older. I mean, it can happen at any time. And it's about that connection. I have done parenting courses with parents that have teenagers. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, the same concept right there. And the concept for teenagers, it's like having that level of trust. I would always tell my son, son, there isn't anything in this world that you can tell me that I'm gonna be upset at. Disappointed in being upset. Or two different.
<Laugh>. Yes. Bottom.
One, I'm here to protect you. I'm the number one person in this world that's gonna protect you. Tell me what's going on. Like, I wanna know what's going on. A lot of the things, and I've done classes with even teenagers, and I'm talking about 14 to 18 with their parents in the classroom. And oh my gosh, they have been the most honest people. They're like, mom, dad, I don't care about your car. I don't care about the house. I don't care. I care about the communication that we're having. Sometimes I share something with you, and you panic over the small thing.
So I'm testing the ground. You panic over small things. I can't tell you what's going on in my.
Life. That is so true. That is so true. We have teens, as you know. Um, and I have a policy with my teens that, like, they can tell me anything, and I will not react. I will listen first and obviously give guidance where I think, but I have been told things. I don't think any mom wants to hear <laugh> what's going on. Really. In some ways, I'm like, well, do I really wanna know? But I, I keep that promise that you can tell me and I'm here to help with the guidance if you need it or to just listen.
But it is hard, it's a hard place because you learn things, um, that almost like, well, did I really wanna know that's what you're doing or have done or try <laugh>. But at least I, at least that communication is open. They know they can trust me. And, and that is where I am an intentional parent, I have to say. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, because I don't react. I listen. That's my time to kind of sit silent, and let the come in safely. And they even test the waters.
You're right. They test it. They're like, they'll say a little bit about the story, and then if I don't react, they say more about the story <laugh>, and then the truth is really there. So that has been a really nice lesson because they also know they can come to me when they are in trouble.
Right. And then how do we start to have that conversation sooner, right?
Yeah. And.
We start to have that conversation where it's safe. I knew one thing after I took my first parenting course at the age of 19. You imagine that I had a four-year-old at the age of 19. It's scary, and crazy to think about. Literally, Lisa, my son's gonna be 32 years old.
Oh my.
Goodness. Three days from now. 32 years old. It's, it's wild. It's crazy. Yeah. What I do know is that even at the age of 19, being there with my son figuring things out, I knew if he knew how to think for himself, he was gonna be great. That's it. Does he know how to reflect? And I had this policy; he didn't get time out, like traditional time out. I was like, okay, son, think about what you did. How did it work out? Like the outcome of it? What, was the impact? Tell me what you would do differently.
Given that he knew those four key things, he was gonna be successful in life cuz he was going to be able to see the impact of his actions. If, if he didn't know why he got in trouble, come on, how many children know why they get in trouble? Stop.
They don't.
What is that? First of all, <laugh>, I have this policy that we must speak in complete sentences. Okay? Be descriptive, be specific. What is that, that the child is doing? Go get me that. Go stop doing that. Do this. What is this that you want me to do? Right? Imagine like right now, at this moment, I can say, Lisa, don't, don't think about the pink elephant on the green ball. Lisa, don't think about the pink elephant on the green ball. Lisa, are you thinking about the pink elephant on the.
Green ball? I am thinking about the pink elephant on the green ball that I can't even see <laugh>.
Right? And so here's the way that I see it. When we go through that and we tell them what not to do, we're actually painting a picture of what to do because the mind, the subconscious mind does not have the capacity to understand the word no. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, if I say blue light, you're gonna think blue light. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, how about I tell my child exactly what it is that I want them to do instead of telling them what not to do, they hear what not to do versus what to do. Michael, I I'd love for you to go pick up the book on the table that's on the right-hand side.
It's a purple book with green letters. Pick that book up, please and bring it back to me. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, because we don't give complete instructions as well. We're in our heads. Okay. So last night I'm here, I'm here in Huntington Beach, we're driving down the street.
It's pretty late at night. It's like eight 30. I've had a long day flight, uh, work, and everything in between. And my friend's like, uh, I brought my mom there. Okay, where's the there? Well, so that hospital, okay, well, to the hospital for what purpose? Okay. Oh, she had covid when like, give me complete sentences. I brought my mom last week because she had covid and she couldn't breathe. Okay. Bottom line. Right? Doesn't have to take five minutes to try to draw things out.
Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Yet when we're very specific that that communication actually lands, the person knows exactly what it is that we're talking about as opposed to guessing. And, we're in our head because that conversation's been in our head for so long. See, we have anywhere from 60,000 thoughts to 70,000 thoughts a day in our minds. 60,000 thoughts. Imagine that we are making anywhere from 35,000 to 40,000 decisions a day.
I wonder if we're exhausted. <laugh>. Oh my gosh. We're like so exhausted. Forget about the rest of the people, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And then we start to interact with exhausted. Imagine Exhausted interacting with exhausted. And I remember, you know, speaking of those moments, it's like we have the opportunity to change things. At the age of 25, I was in a head on collision that nearly left me in a wheelchair. I was told, told by the time I was 30 I would not be walking. Okay. And I said no way.
I was 25 and a half years old. But I do know is when I started parenting, shortly after six months later, I was preparing myself to parent do my parenting courses. And by that next January, I was already doing them. And I remember being completely exhausted and in pain that I'm not even gonna say it was just horrific.
And coming home after working an entire day and then teaching parenting courses, I was exhausted because I was going through my own transformation at the same time. If you could only imagine, it wasn't just um, teaching, but I'm also processing my life and what happened to me and the things that I wish would've been different. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And then hearing all the parents' life experiences and they were going through some really tough things in their life and it wasn't easy to let that go and get home.
What I do know is that when I'd get home, I wanted to drag myself in. Okay? Like physically. Cause I could barely walk. I wanted to just crawl on the floor and drag myself into the house. My choices are my choices. There's a decision, and there's a choice. And to me, the choice is far more powerful than any decision I could ever make.
And I'm gonna paint it this way. A choice is something that I can take a look at and see. How do I choose to respond? This is where intentionality and consciousness, and awareness come in. How do I choose to respond to this experience? Now the choice. Okay, I'm gonna connect with my son. Okay, well, alright, but how is the choice? How am I going to choose to connect with him? So I put down my advisor, open up the mirror, and I'd look at myself, and I'd say, you know what, mama, you've got this, you've got this. I've got half an hour to give Victor.
I'm gonna give him the best half an hour of his entire day and just get up. Just do it. And I'd walk in the house, and I'm like, son, how was your day? I wanna hear about your day. I wanna hear what amazing things you did.
And we have this beautiful interaction. See, it's not about the time that we spend with our children. A lot of us can be there 24 7, yet the intentionality, 10 minutes of intentionality, will take the trophy over 24 hours of present or just existing, right? Because it's not even present. Yeah. To have that magical, mystical experience with your child that will elevate them to a different level and being intentional. And a lot of us wanna try. We hear all these tips and they're like, oh my gosh, I wanna do them all.
This is what mom's doing, or this is what dad's doing. I'd say be subtle because our children have been accustomed to seeing us in a certain way, and trying too many different things at once, may shock them. And it meant backfire as opposed to taking one thing and you'll know exactly when the perfect time is to try the next thing, to incorporate the next and the next thing. Right? Do one thing at a time until you master that, and you start seeing the results of those.
Things. I do love the concept of, I call it like quality time. You know, just instead of quantity time, right? With your child, they say that, yeah, if you sit with somebody 10 or 15 minutes, it feels like hours. And so when I heard that once, I was like, Ooh, I'm gonna try that. I even tried this with my husband too because he needs that quality time. And sometimes, you know, as a working parent, you don't have that much time. You know, you're working all day and then you have your kids and it's just, you just don't have that much time.
So I did, I did it with each child and I did it with my husband and I sat there for 10 minutes and I just zoned in on whatever they were talking about. And what I found is they actually got filled before the 10 minutes was up. And they're like, ok, gonna go. And they like left me. And I was like, okay, actually it only took five minutes, but mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Whereas I could spend the whole day with my daughter one on one time, but yet she's still not filled cuz I'm not like actually doing that quality piece.
So that was really a life learning. And I, and I like, I like using that a lot because it does, it's like they get what they need out of it. We're connecting, but it doesn't have to be this amazing, grandiose thing at all.
Right? And, and it really doesn't. And you bring up such a strong point right there, Lisa. The fact that it's conscious. Okay? It is a response. Response equals consciousness. And I bring this point back because reacting is automatic and one of us reacts, like 98% of the population reacts. Let's just be honest. Okay? Oh yeah. Somebody shows up late, you're talking on the street, somebody cuts you off, you know, whatever happens. And I remember even telling Victor, I'd say like, son, I don't know what happened. You know, like maybe a loved one died.
Maybe they're in the hospital. Maybe they're whatever's happening in their life, we don't know that. And just like, we don't know. We, we took a detour, something happened. It's like, okay, we get to experience something different here in this moment. That's a choice.
You have a wonderful quote on your website that I kind of stalked. I'll be honest here. I don't know if you know it, but, um, I'm gonna say it. You, you said, there is always another solution to a problem as long as we use our imagination. And I love that. I just love that because I think if we can take a pause in our reacting <laugh> or from the situation and really use that creativity to try and choose, like you said something else. I think that is gonna change a lot of our parenting.
Yes, it is. It is. And it's gonna change the outcome of our children and their life experiences where they feel like they're worthy. No, Lisa, that a lot of people, it doesn't matter the level of success I work with multimillionaires 70 million and lose it, they don't feel worthy of success. And I would say that almost a hundred percent of those experiences where they don't feel worthy came from zero to seven. Wow. It didn't happen At 25, 35, 55 to seven when it comes, I had this global leader top in his field, top in his field, recently around the world top in his field, around the world, okay?
And his boss was asking him to step it up and he's like, I can't, like he was having all these reactions towards his boss. When he started looking at it, he started to see where it came from and had to change, chose to shift his consciousness from reacting, which is automatic. That is at all the programming that we have subconsciously to our conscious mind. Okay? That is 95% of our programming. By the way. The reaction is 95%. It's just a program. Turn it on, turn on the tv, right?
Just turn it on as opposed to being intentional and switch the dial, change the channel. That's intentionality. That's only 5%. Do you wanna live on autopilot or do you wanna live in I choose life. Yeah. The old or the new.
Ugh, so much. I love this so much. All right. What would you like parents to know that are listening to us today?
Be loving to yourself. Be compassionate with yourself. Understand that we're gonna make mistakes. Is it gonna be perfect? No, we're not there. There's no such thing as perfection. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And even if we feel that we are doing the right thing, we may not necessarily be appreciated for it. And I think about like sometimes even myself holding my son to really high standards. Why? Because I knew what it was not to, he wouldn't be half the man that he is if I hadn't done a 10th of the things that he has done right. The things that I chose to do.
So that's something that really take into consideration. I would also say to moms and dads to take time out for yourself. Make yourself a priority. I would say for me, I'm selfish. Okay. I've always been selfish to, I'd get up, I'd work out in the morning, I'd do a lot of different things.
I'd meditate. I have my journal, I'm traveling now. I still have my journal. I still have a workout routine. I still have me time, right? Because that which we sacrifice ourselves for, we end up resenting mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And I'm gonna repeat that one cuz that's so important. That which we sacrifice ourselves for, in this case, our children, our loved ones, our family, we end up resenting on a subconscious level. It's not even conscious. We're so exhausted by life. Fill your cup first. First of all, empty it out first. Okay? You don't wanna put clean coffee in a dirty cup.
Take it out, sit down, say, hey, what, what type of life experience do I wanna live with my children? Write it out. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, who do I want them to build to become in the future? And how do I help them build that here now? Right.
And how do I become more intentional? Because at the end of the day, telling our children no, it's like telling ourselves no, bottom line, there is no difference. A subconscious mind does not understand the difference whether we're telling somebody no or whether we're telling ourselves no. It's all no. And it's all negative energy. Yeah. I love walking children over. I'm like, Hey, let's go do something different. Let's go, let's go play with a book. Let's go read a book. Let's go play with these. What do you wanna build? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, what would you do differently?
I'm gonna share one story about my grandson, my seven and a half year old grandson. One day Emilio came over, and he was catching the ball like this. Like he wasn't gonna catch it, Lisa. Okay, let's just be honest. Unless he had right. He wasn't gonna catch it. And I'm like, okay.
So by the end of that visit, he was crossing his arms, holding. I'm like, okay, he's me. Progress, right? Progress is progress. He's moving forward. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. The next weekend I came over and I'm like, come on Emilio, let's go play catch. No, I can't catch it. And I'm like, oh, those are the most dangerous words to me in the world. I can't. And Emilio is, I can't, I can't catch the ball. I can't catch the ball. And I have this video and it was little hacky sack that I was throwing to him. And I'm like, Hmm, we're gonna change that right now. That's where intentional comes.
And I'm like, come on, come on Emilio, you've got this. And then I'm like, repeat after me. And he's always done this and I'm like, repeat after me. I've got this. And then you see a Lisa, he's like, I've got this.
I'm like, who's got it? I've got, I've got it, I've got it, I've got it. I threw the little hacky side. He runs across the room, catches it for the very first time, and caught like 96% of that afterwards. It's all minds. Yeah. The mind, it's full mind, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And he was only four at the time saying that he couldn't. Right. Where did he learn that he can't? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Where did he learn that? He can't right from all of us because we tell him no. And the more people we interact with, the more nos that we're gonna hear, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>.
And it's across all socioeconomics, educational, everything, levels with our children. Think about this. Leave you with this picture friend who, his brother was at a restaurant and he was overseeing this guy who had his nine month old daughter in a high chair.
And he was handing it to her. His brother walked up and he looked at the man, he goes, you expect her to know what, you know, you're 40 years old, she's a baby. Right? She doesn't know what, you know, understand that. Understand that. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> understand that children are simply learning that what we think may be something that they shouldn't be getting into might be something that's good for them. Like they're exploring, yes, they're gonna break things. Of course they are. They're really investigating this world. They know nothing, right?
Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And I'd hope that each and every one of us would take that away. That if we were to be shot up in a rocket and into a different world, that we know it's gonna take time to learn the rules of that community. Gosh, there's one more thing that I wanna share. I'm like, Lisa, I wanna just stay here for the rest of the forever.
We're gonna, you, I'm just gonna stay here with we in my pocket. Can I just join your podcast? You can, you can be my cohost. Um, I'd love that. So one of the things that we don't take into consideration is the, the, in the intentionality is having these conversations with our children. Like, how do we have more rich conversations? How do we even the meaning like we give everything, meaning each and every one of you. You, me, mom, dad, there's 8 billion people in this world.
Those 8 billion people have their own meaning based on their own life experience, seen through their own lens. Nothing has meaning in this world except the meaning that we give it. And that meaning's gonna depend on the experiences, life experiences that we've had. And all of us have blind spots. We just can't see them. Yeah. We see other people's blind spots that what about making time to be more intentional and start to shift that? What if we ask our children what they would like, what they think? And we sit there in the, and take that feedback as one of the most extraordinary opportunities to connect at a deeper level.
Yeah. Uh, okay. Well, as much as I can have you on literally all week or just forever, you just brought so much amazing, amazing insight and I can't thank you enough for coming and sharing all this information with us and your story and how you got here.
Thank you. Thank you so much. It's such an honor and a privilege. Thank you for the work that you do to touch, move, inspire parents and really be there for them. And I'd say, mom, dad, whoever you are, go take care of yourself first. Your children are gonna be better off that way and you can give them more. Like, take that time in the morning for you. Wake up earlier. A lot of people are like; I can't wake up. Yes. Yes you can.
They always say you have to put your oxygen mask on before you can put your child on. There's a reason for.
That. You cannot give from a place of depletion.
Thank you for listening to this episode. Rocio generously shared so many ways we could start parenting from a more intentional place. If you found as much value from today's episode as I have, share it with a friend, like Rocio said, we have the power of how we react. So let's make how we respond to our children more intentional.
