So today I am thrilled to be joined by Ryan Harbuck, remarkable mother, a high school teacher, a swim coach, and the author of an inspirational memoir, When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Chair. Ryan, thank you so much for coming on the Real Life Momz podcast. Thank you, Lisa, for having me today. I'm really excited.
As I just kind of mentioned to you, one of my favorite things to talk about is being a mom. Me too. I feel like no matter what you do, it's somehow you say you're a mom and like it's an automatic bond, right? Like there's so much to talk about. Totally, totally. Very, very many feelings and emotions and yeah.
I know you have a little bit of a traumatic background and story that happened to you when you were a teenager. Would you mind sharing a little bit about your background and your personal story? Yeah, of course. Really, I think my story begins when I was 16. I was involved [00:01:00] in a car accident, that ended up paralyzing me from about the chest level down.
And so I use a wheelchair to get around. I have no feeling or movement from like my chest level down and, the accident that I was in got a lot of publicity and because it was six kids in a car coming back from a school dance, there were no drugs or alcohol involved and everybody was hurt.
There were 2 fatalities. I was ejected out of the vehicle and obviously I injured my spinal column, but I also, um, had severe road rash. I collapsed my lungs. I broke all of my bones. And so I had a big road to recovery. I spent a lot of time in the hospital. I spent a month, a full month in the ICU unit, mostly just.
Like trying, giving my body a minute to heal. And, from there, then I spent another month in just a basic [00:02:00] hospital multi trauma unit. And then from there, I moved to a rehab facility specific to spinal cord and brain injuries. And I spent... Another month there kind of learning what my new life was going to be like and, and what it was going to be like for me as a 16 year old to push a wheelchair around a school or a mall or go to the movies.
And, um, you know, as traumatic as the event was, I've always said that. I think that I was really blessed to be so young when it happened because my motivations and the things that. I really focused on were things like, well, okay, well, how do I carry my backpack when I'm in a wheelchair or how do I, you know, how do I sit in a movie seat?
I think kids are really resilient and they don't really have a lot of, um, Their brains aren't [00:03:00] developed in a way that they're really going to, like, hold on to, the trauma for what it is. They're not going to dwell in the past. Kids don't really do that. And so I think that I just sort of saw it as, okay, well, this is my new life.
Okay, well, sure. That's what it's whatever, but how do I get to where I was? And that was really my main focus. And so I think that. saved me a lot because it enabled me to sort of recover in a really healthy environment of I'm just still a kid. Let me show you what I can do. And so I think that I've sort of always held on to that.
And so, I've been challenged by normalcy. I've been challenged in a way that I just want to be like everybody else on some level, and I'm going to do everything that I can to do those things and to not. Think of it remarkable because I'm at the grocery store or I'm not in inspiration because I'm picking my kids up from school.
[00:04:00] And, um, but then, you know, over the course of so many years, I've been using a wheelchair now for 26 years. I think that I've learned that there are remarkable things and inspirational things about my life. And I've seen that. By raising my kids. I've seen that by having to sort of reflect in on myself towards my kids, and I think that that's something that just happens when you have kids.
All of a sudden, you have these these two beings that depend on you and they love you and they need you. And so you're forced to sort of reflect on the things that you're doing and how they're impacting them. For that very short question. Yeah, well, there's so much in there to kind of unpack. But first, I just want to point out, I love the way you say, how can I do that?
Like, so not dwelling, right? I guess you're right. I see kids and they are so much more resilient when something big like that happens, right?[00:05:00] But I love the thought of like, how can I You know, wear my backpack or go to the grocery store or because I think as parents as people, we hit like roadblocks and a lot of us to sit in the dwelling of it and the like, oh, I can't do that.
Right. Or I can't afford that. Or, you know, I'm not Good enough for that instead of that. I love that quote almost like how can I do that? Like if you want to do something so like where did you even find that strength to even come up with that, especially in the midst of what you were going through? Well, I think so much of it was just being like young and naive and dumb and it was, I wasn't going to focus on the things that were really scary and icky and traumatic like that didn't, I guess I did really learn early on that those things didn't serve me and so they weren't going to be wasted space for me.
I was going to just move on and I was going to like, can I go to prom this [00:06:00] year? I went to prom my junior year from my hospital bed and because that was something that I wanted to do Right, and I just wanted to be a part of the world and so I just made myself Be there. Um, one thing that you made me think of is, you know, there it's, it's sort of like an onion, you know, taking all the layers off.
And one of those layers is thinking about it from the other dimension where when something traumatic happens to you, you sort of feel like you have this control because it's you. And so you're like, I'm fine. I got this. But so then, you know, take it. Looking at it from a different lens. My parents, my friends, my family.
Um, and I still to this day think that they suffered far more than I ever did because, you know, think of any instance that you've had where something traumatic or awful has happened to somebody that you love. It's so much worse because you can't do [00:07:00] anything. There's nothing you are out of control. You can't take ownership of it.
And, and that often is very hurtful. Is a worse feeling than being the person that's, you know, the victim, whatever it is. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of power in control. I mean, so much. You're right. And if you want to help somebody and either they don't want to be helped or you don't know how to help them, but if it is you and this like goes beyond injury, right?
Like if it's you, we have control. Of ourselves and we have the power to do the things that we want to do with that power. So I think that is such a great point, you know, being the person in the driver's seat, if you will, right? Yeah,
totally. So tell me, it sounds like you've learned a lot of lessons that you also have applied to your parenting.
What are like the biggest lessons that you have learned just out of this, not just this story, but like just throughout the [00:08:00] life, you know, that you've You're leaving and the changes you had to make. Sure. Well, so I have this really unique experience in the fact that I wrote a book about my life. And so it really wasn't until I was compiling all the different stories and chapters that it really made me sit with all of these lessons and stories and things that I had learned.
And I mean, honest to God, it wasn't until I had already sent the book to print the back cover blurb was written that I had all of these like incredible epiphanies about, you know, how struggle and victory can be the very same thing. They can overlap one another and how, um, my greatest vulnerable moments in the world have also been my most strongest, powerful moments.
And just themes over and over again, didn't matter if I was 16, it didn't matter if I was [00:09:00] 26, it didn't matter if I was 36, all of the same sort of things, themes would continually pop up through my life. And I realized that those were the things that were important because those are the things I started writing stories about on my life.
And so I think that, um, without having sat down and written out the stories that, You know, were important to me. I'm not sure I would have ever come to that, you know, concrete conclusion about this is what I've learned and this is what's important to me and this is what I want the world to know or to learn.
And, and so I think that it's like, you know, I will challenge your listeners to write about some of your own experiences and stories, whether you're going to do anything with it or not. But it, I think it's a really good way for you. To not only reflect, but really understand. The way that you live your life.
[00:10:00] Exactly. I mean, I've done that too. Not a book. I don't have anything to write a book, but just that quiet space to like journal and write down those things that are important to you. And you're right. Like here you wrote a whole book and you discovered it through writing your book. You know, for me, it's like being out on the podcast and just speaking and putting myself out there and having to really dig deep and be like, whoa.
What is important to me? What is my passion? It really, it changes your life when you finally figure those things out that are important because it can lead you in so many decisions that you make throughout your life, whether it's your career or family. Yep. And for me, at least it feels like.
, once you've actually sort of, given structure and solidified those lessons that you've learned through your life, then they become like really concrete and you can actually, , teach those lessons easier, I [00:11:00] think, and then also, like, truly live by those, those values that you've sort of fostered throughout your whole life.
And it makes experience is a lot easier and it makes decision making a lot simpler when you really know what you believe in what you stand by and the things that you really sort of believe for your life and how your life has gone for you. Yeah. I so agree to that because I feel like when something aligns with my core beliefs, and who I really am, then it's an easy, yes.
I can say yes so easily. And then when something doesn't, I can easily say no. Cause no is hard for parents, especially, right? Like you don't ever want to say no. You want to try to make it work. And when it doesn't align, it's like, no, I'm not gonna do that. It's it's easy. So I love that. And so was there like a core value or lesson that you [00:12:00] learned that kind of surprised you in this process after you're writing this book and kind of figured things out for you?
Oh, that's a really good question. I think, I don't know, I think that I never really considered That every step of the way was a lesson for me or was really impactful and truly like when I started writing down. My stories, I wasn't really thinking like, Oh, I want to make this book and it's going to look like this and it's going to have these chapters.
I just originally, and this was like 15 years ago, I just started writing and I think that I did. So, with the premise that like I had some leftover yucky feeling some trauma that I needed to find a different home, I needed to sort of like release to the world and so I just started writing things down and so a lot of what I started writing.
were moments that really were traumatic and that needed to get out of me. But then I also [00:13:00] chose to write kind of like silly stories or stories about, you know, certain people that I didn't realize were as important as they were to me. And so then once I actually kind of compiled them and was able to look at all these stories as like a whole piece, I couldn't have planned it better myself, , I didn't intentionally mean to have a book that had a beginning, middle, and end, and this lesson that kind of rippled throughout, and these characters that came and went, and then came back, and then this person reminded me of this person, but that's how life is, and so, you know, I wasn't set out to write a story of somebody's life that's super interesting and it's going to be a page turner, but I think I ended up
writing that because that's really how my life has been and, and, um, you know, I think that it's been something that needed to come out and I'm, you know, and I [00:14:00] feel like I would be in a much different place right now had I not done that writing and, since I published my book, I feel like I've connected with so many people that I never imagined that I'd be able to connect with through my words.
And that's been like super impactful. Yeah, I can only imagine. What do you wish that your book does for people? I knew that there were people that understood what I had been through at different stages with different experiences, and I wanted to be able to connect with those people that didn't understand as a way of being like, yeah, me too.
I've been there kind of right and not necessarily from, , a wheelchair user perspective, not necessarily from, you know, a teenager or from a college kid or teacher, you know, just from all these different experiences. You know, but blips in your life, you, are able [00:15:00] to be a certain person or connect with a certain person.
, and really I have done that. I've, you know, I, from my book, I've connected with a lot more people in the disability community. And it's been really neat to hear from other wheelchair users that are parents or, you know, thinking about being parents. And, , that's been really fascinating and wonderful.
And I've been able to connect with, you know, a lot like kids in high school, , which I didn't imagine kids that are, you know, in high school right now, reading my book and being able to connect with them on my teenage self level and, you know, showing them how much growth happens after that.
And, you know, and sort of like, trust that, um, I don't know, it's, it's been, You know, again, very cathartic, very reflective and I think that, it also has made me a better parent and person because I think, you know, eventually someday, you know, maybe my kids won't want to read it, but I think eventually.
At [00:16:00] least one of them will and I think that, um, having, you know, it sounds like so cheesy and so like whatever, but like I have this like a written history of my life for them for whatever that's worth. And I think it's pretty cool and hopefully someday they do too. They will. I mean, they will.
They won't while you're even alive, probably, right? But it's so amazing, um, to have that those stories for them in written form because they might not even know to ask, right? Because everything that they see is so normal to them. You're there every day. This is who you are. You're an amazing mom. And it's Yeah, like, I think about, like, this is totally different, but I think about my dad, like, he was a Holocaust survivor, and it was so, like, just, that's what he was, and this is who he was, but he never talked about it, and he had passed away, and I have no stories, like, no real written anything, [00:17:00] and so to have that gift of your story, I think, is huge, and it will mean a lot for them down the line.
Yeah, I hope so. Yeah. So, you love being a mom. I can hear that. It's one of your passions. So tell us about being a mom and maybe the lessons that you're teaching your kids through your own life stories or just even what they're reflecting back to you and what you're learning about yourself.
. Well, going back to sort of wanting to just live my life as I would live it no matter what. And, you know, wear the backpack, go to the mall, you know, I also just wanted to have kids. And so I, you know, didn't really spend too much weight thinking about what that would be like, how it would work, if it would be okay, what am I healthy enough?
Um, but, I think after meeting my husband and getting married, it was sort of like, yeah, this is really something that I want for our lives. I want to be a full family with children and,[00:18:00] so when I did get pregnant, I immediately went looking for any sort of resource online, people, forums, blogs, whatever.
And there just wasn't that much, um, out there about women who had. become pregnant, had delivered children, were raising children. And, so it was a little bit discouraging. And I'm a planner at heart. And so not really being able to plan for those things was really scary for me. And, um, even through the course of my pregnancy, I had a great OB, but she really.
Gave me a lot of credit that I don't think I deserve. She kept telling me like, you know, trust your body. This is going to be fine. You're going to go full term. Everything's going to be great. And I, and I write about this in my book. I, I, you know, kept my, the biggest question was, am I going to know when I'm in labor?
And she just kept telling me like, ah, you know, your body, your smart [00:19:00] girl, like all this stuff. And every day I would go in. You know, what, what's the, what's the sign, like, is there going to be like a cloud of smoke, something that comes up, like what is happening? And um, she finally, I was like the first day of my 38th week, I had an appointment, an appointment once a week on a Monday morning, I went in and she gave me the whole spiel like, you know, your body, we're going full term, baby looks great.
And she's like, well, let me just check your cervix. And I will never forget her face. She stands up and she says, I feel hair. You need to go to the hospital. And so, Oh my God. So clearly, uh, my worries were founded and luckily everything. Went fine. My husband and I drove to the hospital. Um, you know, I think I was in late in labor air [00:20:00] quotes labor because I couldn't feel any of the contractions for maybe like four hours.
My son was born, he was fine. Everything was fine. I was able to push him out naturally. Nobody knows how or why or whatever, but, I was clearly in the right place at the right time, because had I not had that appointment, I'm not really so sure that I would have known, and I know that I, you know, I didn't feel super that morning, but nothing about how I felt was telling me that I was in labor.
And so that's that is how my first child came into the world. And so when I did get pregnant again, I was super nervous. And I think from like week 20 on, I, every day I thought I was going to have a baby in my sleep. And so I would like wake up in the middle of the night and like check the bed. And, um, it was like, it was really, really rough.
I even like, Um, I ordered pH test strips to try to [00:21:00] test, like, is this urine? Is this amniotic fluid? What is this? What is this? And, and it was just, it was like not a very enjoyable pregnancy because I was so certain that I wasn't going to be able to feel when I was in labor and because of what had happened before and so, uh, long story short, I actually believe that so much that my body did give me cues that I was in labor and I didn't listen to him.
I ignored them. I for entire day. So we had planned an induction for my second child at 39 weeks. And so it was actually the day before that. I had this like weird side pain, this pain in the back of my teeth and it was just, I didn't understand it. I just went about my day, thought it was, thought my baby was like sitting weird in my belly.
I didn't really know, but I didn't pay much attention to it. Ignored it, ignored it. Got up the next morning for my induction, told my husband to stay home because I [00:22:00] knew how long those things take. And I checked in at the hospital and they hooked me up and they said, you're in active labor. Wait, so did you drive yourself to this appointment?
Oh, gosh. I stopped for a decaf latte on the way. I got concerned and pleased. Oh, no. So, you know, at that point, my body was like, Screaming at me and I was telling it. No, no, I don't feel contractions. Don't worry about it. Oh my gosh That's crazy. So yes, your body was just goes to show our bodies are usually trying to tell us and we're usually Ignoring, right?
Giant life lesson right there. Yeah. Oh my gosh I didn't actually, I don't even think I answered your question because you were asking me about being a parent and I haven't even gotten there yet. It's a journey. Yes, it is. But I think that, um, you know, back to being pregnant, I know that I had a lot of worries in [00:23:00] terms of like, am I going to be able to teach my kid how to walk?
Am I going to be able to push a stroller? Am I going, you know, just like little silly things and I would just kind of try to hush those. away and just think everything's going to be fine. Um, I know that when my babies were very young, like in the newborn, probably till about six months stage, that was the hardest for me because, just picking them up, especially in a car seat, that was really hard using a wheelchair, trying to get them either strapped in the car or get the car seat in the car.
And so, we really struggled from like that. I don't know. newborn all the way to about six month stage. A lot of times my husband just had to be there when we were going places doing things. , but I think that really early on before I even recognized it, my kids knew and my kids would behave differently.
Around me, not, [00:24:00] not like, oh, mom's in a wheelchair, but like, um, you know, they, they learned really early on what I could do or what I, you know, what they could ask me for or what they could not ask me for. And I would have to ask somebody else. They learned really early. Um, how to help me get things down.
I don't know how many times I've had my kids crawl up something to grab something down for me, or help me grab something in like a tight space. All these things, I remember when they were young, feeling very sad about it. Like, oh, my poor kids, they have to, like, help me with stuff.
But now that my kids, they're older, now that they're nine and four, I've been able to see this, like, really fabulous... Lesson that has been taught to them that, uh, you know, about being a compassionate person, being somebody that has their eyes open to the world around them and, somebody that helps without needing that [00:25:00] external, reward for it.
And, and those things are really hard to teach, and my favorite story, about my oldest child, I think he wasn't even
two yet, and I was taking him out for like a walk around the neighborhood, and he wanted to walk alongside me, and at that point, I had been trying to teach him
because we can't hold hands across the street that if we're crossing a street, he has to stay next to my wheel. And so we had been kind of going over that and working on that as like kind of like a skill for life. And I recall he came up behind me, , in my wheelchair and gave me a little push up.
There was just like a little bit of a hill and he saw it and he saw that I was pushing a little bit harder. And... You know, rather than obeying and being next to my wheel, he came up behind me and he just gave me a little push and it was actually like, exactly the push that I needed at that moment and then just kept going kept and came back to next to me and so it [00:26:00] and I it always has struck me because it was such a powerful moment, you know, he wasn't he wasn't waiting for me to say, Oh, good job, baby.
Or, you know, and he even thought like he might get in trouble. I'm sure for not being next to my wheel, but he recognized the fact that I needed just a little push and you know, and that's still to this day, that's kind of how he is. That is so beautiful. It's so amazing to see your kids do things like that, you know, that they just innately have this ability to have that compassion.
I mean, it's not, I mean, it's innate, but you taught it to him too, right? The way he grew up and everything, I'm sure. But just to see them use it without, you know, cause you always see kids in the playground and something happens. You're like, you parents are like, Oh, go help them or, Oh, make sure you share.
Or, you know, but when it comes from within the child, there's like nothing better than that. That's so amazing. Yeah. Yeah so you're talking about your book. [00:27:00] Why don't you tell us a little bit more about your book and where people can actually find it? Yeah, absolutely. So, as I mentioned, I started, writing it about 15 years ago.
I published it last. year. Um, and it was really sort of when I was pregnant with my youngest, that's when I was like, I have got to finish this before I have two children running around. I've got to finish this. And it's still through COVID and all took me like three more years, but, um, I was able to finish it.
The easiest place to find it is on Amazon, but you can really find it online, pretty much wherever books are sold at this point. But beyond that, it's been sort of like my little baby, this book of mine, and I've been really just trying to do my best to get it out in the world, um, but the other thing that writing it did for me is it really made me realize how much I enjoy writing and, not necessarily It's the writing of my own story [00:28:00] and so, since then I've actually been working on two other books.
One of them is a middle grade book, which is a middle grade book is like between ages eight and 12. And that was totally brought on by all of the books that I hate that my nine year old loves. And, I don't want to discredit any particular book, but this, just a lot of the, the series chapter books are really geared towards, like, hating your parents and your annoying teachers.
And there's a lot of negativity in there. And so I just really wanted to write something that, um, stemmed from positivity and being able to try and being able to do your best. And, I include in the main character is a wheelchair user and so because I feel like there isn't a lot of really great disability representation in the younger grades and younger kids books.
And so that's been my, my big project right now. And then I hope to [00:29:00] finish a novel that I've been writing too. Oh, my gosh. Okay. So what is your website? My website is my full name, ryanraeharbuck.com. And, um, Yeah, you can find all sorts of good stuff on there. So I did look at your website. You had this quote that I love so much.
And you said, Everyone has a chair that the thing you are bound to or unwillingly defines you. So I guess I want to ask, like, what does that mean to you? I think what that means to me is that, for most of my life, sitting in a wheelchair, I've learned that people will have a preconceived notion about who I am or what has happened to me or what I can or cannot do.
Having a visible disability does that. And so I, a lot of times I think I've been bound to a, a stereotype of some sort. And, you know, I, I think my job my [00:30:00] whole life has been to try to prove others. Otherwise, I love that. And I agree. Like everybody has when I use air quotes a chair, right? It just depends what that chair is for you.
So what do you say to moms out there that are bound by their chair? How do you, what advice would you give them? That's a really, really great question. I think that the moms that are listening that feel like that there is something that they're bound to something that, um, you know, they didn't have choice in the situation or what's happening to them.
I think that you look at yourself and look at your children and you find so many answers within your children, um, in the way that you look at them and you realize what you have given them, what you have taught them. And, they are such beautiful reminders of what's [00:31:00] important. And, um. Whether they recognize it or not, they are constantly teaching you how to be the best you and, um, and I think that that's So amazing.
Yes. And I love that so much because I think we think of always teaching them, right. And the importance of that, but I love your perspective of how much they're teaching us and they so are, I mean, every day I learned something new from my kids and I've, I forget to appreciate that. So thank you.
Absolutely. Well, thank you for joining me. This was such a lovely conversation. I mean, I learned so much, especially to appreciate my own children. Well, thank you for having me. It was really great to chat.
