Hi, and welcome to Real Life Momz. I'm your host Lisa Foster and Real Life Momz is a podcast that's all about connecting moms through real parenting conversations. I believe that moms have so much insight and knowledge, and together we are powerful. On this podcast, we give moms a voice to tell their stories, and share their expertise and resources through real conversations. And this week I'm talking with Annie Delray. She's a nationally board-certified health and wellness coach who has worked with hundreds of clients to help them achieve a life of confidence, wellness, and success.
Annie is the author of Should I Wish I Knew at High School. And today we are taking a look back into our high school years and the lessons we have learned since that we wish we knew back then.
Hi Annie, welcome to Real Life Momz. I am really excited about our conversation today because you are the author of Sh*t I Wish I Knew in High School, which is a complete guide for navigating your high school years. And I'm just thinking like, where was this guide when I went to high school School <laugh>? But I'm glad that at least I'm talking to you now, um, because I do have a kiddo in high school currently. And then I have one entering high school next year. So thank you for coming on the show today to talk to me about high school and how to help our teens navigate these years.
Oh, I'm so excited to be here. Thank you for this opportunity.
Can we just start by telling the listeners a little bit about yourself and your background?
Yeah, definitely. So, um, started in New Jersey. That's where I was born and raised. Now I live in sunny California. I live in San Diego. I moved to California by myself not knowing a soul, uh, and had never visited so if that shares a little bit about my personality. Wow. <laugh>.
Yes, brave
Just went for it. And I didn't think it was a big deal until I started telling people, and they looked at me like I had three heads, and I was like, oh, I, no one like packs up and leaves.
That's so funny. And honestly, I'm an East coaster as well and my husband did something and, we did it together though we did something similar where we just packed up and moved to Colorado cuz we went on a vacation here and we really liked it. <laugh>.
Ooh. And just fell in love and you're like, okay, yeah. This is where we're staying.
Yeah. Making a change. So, yeah. Good for you. Very brave.
So in Jersey got my bachelor's in psychology and then when I moved to California I did an online program where I earned my master's in integrative wellness coaching. So I've been studying, uh, like the human mind and behavior and mindfulness for uh, I'd say a little over 12 years now. And I'm really fortunate that I learned about it in my teens because, um, unfortunately, I've worked with many clients who are just starting their journey, just starting their journey and they're in their forties and fifties.
Uh, my oldest client's 84, so that's why I really love working with teens or at least parents of teens because I, I know this is so cliche, but that's the future. The children are the future, so let's set 'em up for success.
Totally. And I know you've written this book specifically on like high school, right? <laugh>? Well, and high school is just this, oh my God, this period of time. It is really stressful for teens. I feel like middle school has its own stressors. They're different than high school cuz high school, you're in this period, I was trying to think, it's like you're not an adult, but to are like so much growth and change in such a short time. You know, you're driving right. You have to make big decisions like you're about to like leave the home.
There's so much going on. And then on top of that, right, there's so much brain development too, right? That's happening that's kind of making these teens, these teens a little crazy, right?
Crazy. Yeah. <laugh> totally. Their hormones are, hormones are actively working against them, these poor children.
So now I just feel bad as I'm thinking of, you know, my teens
<laugh>. Oh my gosh. Right.
But yeah, it's such a change. It's such a hard time in the, it's it is, it's a really hard time in a parent's life having teens and it's a hard time for the teens themselves. So, what are your thoughts about high school?
Um, oh my gosh. I think it's like the Wild West. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, I, I just high school is, you couldn't pay me to redo it. I guess I'll start by saying that you could not pay me all the money in the world to do that. Again. I wrote the book in 2019 when my sisters were freshmen in high school. So we are 12 years apart and they're still in Jersey. So I was in California and essentially I just word-vomited everything I would've told them in those four years. I told them personal stories, and tips.
I have different chapters like one's physical health, one's self-development, and one's about boys in high school. I do talk about drugs and alcohol. I do have a section on sex. It's not my favorite because I think that's super personal, but just like with alcohol and drugs, it would be so silly to think that some teens aren't doing those things and not talking about it is a disservice to the teens because then they're not educated. Right. Then they find it on TikTok as opposed to either a professional or a parent.
And, and that's pretty scary.
So your book is actually written, for teens, like teens, would be reading this or parents.
So it is, it is for the teens, but from the parents who have written it, they're like, yeah, this just sheds so much light. Also, and of course, I'm gonna say this cuz it's my book. It's so funny, <laugh>, like, it's so sassy and funny, a bit upsetting. Like, you know, I talk about some teachers doing inappropriate things, but also like, this is the reality of high school. Again, whether we wanna accept or admit it, it's, it's happening. It's kind of like people ignoring their bank account cuz they're so scared to see the number; whether you look or not, the answer's the same.
Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, you have $20 in your bank account whether you check or not. So, um, same like, you know, with these teenagers, they're doing this whether you, whether you like want it or not. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, it's still happening.
Right. So what do you feel is the biggest challenges that teens are dealing with in high school?
One of the things, I mean, ugh, these poor people, just like, they're changing bodies. But aside from that, if I was to get very specific mm-hmm. <affirmative>, I would say social media. I just think that essentially it's the devil. I think that it's ruining people. Um, and had I not, I was off social media for four years. Had I not started getting serious about my business, I would never be on social media. It's a time waster. And our uh, kids are saying like, I don't have an attention span. Um, and not that kids aren't diagnosed with ADD and ADHD I a hundred percent believe in diagnoses.
But is it that it is diagnosable or is it that you watch TikTok for three hours and now you don't understand why you can't sit for two minutes and do your homework?
You know, I don't have time to do that. But how much time did you spend online? Because like, you had no problems doom scrolling, you know, or, um, looking at the girl from your cheer team from another school that um, has the boyfriend you wanna date, right? Or she got homecoming clean, and you didn't; why are you looking at that? One of the first things I tell teens is to go onto their social media and unfollow every single person who doesn't bring them joy. Like that's the first step you can do. Many of them don't, but that will change your life overnight.
Yeah. And then I hear like if you are looking up certain things like, like looking up positive affirmations or the more you look up like positive things, that's the more that's coming into your feed versus like the negative things. Like cuz they think that's what you want. So you can also set up your feed to have things that are bringing you joy.
Definitely go follow the self-development accounts. Go follow, like, what are you interested in? You know,
I think the problem with social media too, is really, you know, there's a big fear of missing out on a component in high school.
Oh, my goodness. Yeah.
Right? And, and not, not every kid feels this way, but I think a lot of them do. And if you're not on social media, ha you're like, you're missing out. You're missing out on what's going on. And what's sad about that, I think mm-hmm <affirmative> is that if you are on social media, then you see what you think you're missing out on <laugh> and you feel, and you feel bad
<laugh>. So
I dunno if others just to miss out or to see it and feel like you're missing out. Right. Like it's, it's, it's a mess.
What's worse Totally. In, in your face or just like the imagination that you have around it. Yeah.
So, that's difficult. It's interesting, um, you know, with texting, I was talking to my daughters, I think it was her English teacher must have been, and she was saying that my daughter amongst many of the kids were having trouble with a certain type of sentencing. It's like they do like fragment sentences in, in their writing. And I was like, oh, okay. You know, she goes, but she's like, if, if the kids are texting all the time, it's because of that, it's all the texting because they don't write in full sentences. So she's like, you know, just have your daughter write in full sentences all her text so that that starts to develop more.
But that's what's happening that she sees across the board is their actual structure or sentences are changing.
Yeah. It's so funny, I was just talking to my boyfriend this morning about it because I said, artificial intelligence is going to ruin the next generation of kids' minds. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> only because they're not gonna have to think, I wrote a 25-page capstone project for grad school. You can write literally that entire thing pretty much with AI now. You don't even have to look up stats, it'll give it to you. So
Those are dangerous. We had a whole conversation about this in our home because my husband's very into the AI thing. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> and, you know, showed my kids, and they're like, Ooh, can you like to write papers? Yeah. And of course one of my kids is like, that's not right. And the other ones like, why not? It's an original paper. Anyway, it was the whole conversation end of the day. No, you cannot, <laugh> was what came in our household, but we also like, I think there are ways that like teachers I'm hoping do notice that like kids can't just use that.
I know we're, we're in the, um, exploration of colleges at this point. So we went on a college tour and one of the things that the tour guide said was don't use AI to write your college essay because we'll know. And I was like, see <laugh>. There you go.
There you
Go. But Right. Like, that's dangerous I feel for these teachers because there's a lot of stuff that like, I think is, yeah, it's gonna be out there.
Like they have programs where, um, they can scan a paper and see how much is plagiarized, which is, I'm assuming what they're doing with AI too, scanning for what's formulated. But people are only getting smarter. Do you know what I mean? Like, all you need is a techy person who can, I don't even know, do something around the system where it doesn't get flagged. And then you're gonna, uh, what I think is coming next is gonna be angry, uh, people from generations before who are like, do you know how hard I worked for my degree?
And now you're telling me this kid can scan a paper that gives them the math problem and also breaks it down. Um,
Yeah. And it's kinda like walking uphill in the snow. Right? Like, I got that when I was kid. We walked uphill in the snow both ways. Oh, it's cool now. It, it's gonna be like I had to write my whole essay for high school with my pencil. You know, like <laugh> really? It'll be, it would be that kind of thing, right? Yeah.
Right. Or like, okay. The, best we had growing up was Spark Notes. And even people, some people didn't have that or access to it. That was the most we could get. Now you can type in Catcher in the Rye, they'll give you a great report, give you great metaphors for it. I mean, some of this stuff is just insane. It's so crazy.
That is dangerous. I might have to have another conversation. I don't believe either one of my kids is doing this <laugh>. I'm just out there. They're both, they're both hard workers. Um, but you know, who, what do I know? I don't know everything which brings me to high school. We don't know everything, so,
Oh, we dunno, everything <laugh>.
So, you know, what do you want teens to know that you wish you knew in high school? This,
I would love to give this tip because this is something I see parents struggle with the most, or I should excuse me, adults struggle with the most. So what I, uh, if I were just to give like a blanket tip mm-hmm. <affirmative>, it would be concentrating on only the things that you can control and release everything else. Everything else. So, um, you can't control someone bullying you, but you can control reporting them. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, you can't control if someone touches you, you can control how you protect yourself.
You can't control, uh, someone talking behind your back, but you can control whether you talk behind their back or have direct communication with them and say like, Hey, what's up? Or shut up. I mean, whatever it is. Right? Uh, but, but you get to control it. And, um, I think especially as kids we're, we're kind of trained to be victims a little bit instead of that, um, empowering of this is wrong, what happened to you? Yes. I don't wanna play downplay this. What are you gonna do now? How can we learn from this?
How can we get better? Because it's not like adulthood gets easier, right. <laugh>
Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. No. You need to learn these skills younger. Yeah.
And people aren't nice or not everyone's not nice, but I'd rather them learn in high school by a gentle adult than the real world we're, it will just like slap you across the face. So
Do you have like specific skills that you teach parents or to help their teens kind of navigate some of these things?
Yeah. One of the, uh, one of the first things I say, to parents is whether you know it or not, or your kids act like it or not, they are sponges around you and they're taking in your actions. Uh, one of the things that's common that I hear is children with parents who are divorced and they're seeing, and, and this may sound sexist, but I'll just use a more common example of the mom is talking badly about the father. So now the teenage girl's hearing this and, and essentially demonizing men because her mom hates him so much or will say to the son, you look just like your father when you do that.
So then they think equal and your father is bad. Right. Or vice versa. I've had, um, um, male clients have their wives cheat on them. So that means all women are promiscuous because they're hearing the words their fathers are saying. Uh, parents who curse at each other. Your kids are hearing you. Right. Like, you think you're whispering, but they're, they're picking this up. So just that like there are little eyes on you
<laugh>. Yeah. And I think our voices travel. Like I know, oh, you know, our kids could be in the room. And my husband and I have a, I do say I think he's like my best friend. I love my husband dearly. Um, but we have harder conversations about different things, and find myself like doing them downstairs, like in our living room. But the kids are upstairs in their bedrooms, doors are closed doors, it's later, and they hear everything. They can hear us. I don't know why I think we're having a secret and honestly, I don't mind so much that they're hearing us, but they shouldn't have to know certain things that are just going on.
Right. That maybe we're dealing with. And yeah. They could feel that. So I think that's a good point. Like when you think you're talking, you know, privately, you know, make sure that that's true. <laugh>. And I think when kids overhear parents talking, it almost means a little bit more because they know it's, it's the truth. Like, we're not hiding anything cuz we don't even think they're listening, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So they're like, you know, so the information's almost like it could be even more for them. So Yeah. So I think that's true.
It's like they are sponges. Yeah. They read our signs, and they can hear us when we think they're not.
Yeah. And, and this may be a little, um, <laugh>, a little more woowoo, let's say
I love woowoo. It's like my favorite <laugh>.
Oh, right on. And this will be perfect. It's the idea of like, have you ever walked into a room after two people had a fight? And yes, you feel the energy in the room. People who don't even believe in woowoo know what that means when you say you walk into a room where people are fighting or confrontation, you feel it. So it would be silly to think the kids aren't, aren't feeling that like they know, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, they feel tension
For sure. And, and, and vice versa. Right. They feel love, you know? Ooh,
Totally. Right. Oh, that's warmth. Oh my goodness. Like, look at mommy giving hugs. And same with like tone. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Okay. Daddy keeps yelling at mommy. Is that how you talk to mommies or mm-hmm. <affirmative>, you know, or, um, dad keeps screaming, we're not the Rockefellers. Okay. Are we poor? They don't know. Right? They don't know. Because my, my one cousin, um, and this isn't teens, but she is a seven-year-old who, uh, it was the last week, it was the last week of school and they were able to take off their masks.
So it wasn't until a few weeks later that he says to her, I can't wait till the end of next year cuz we get to celebrate with no masks. Because he thought you wear masks all the time. He thought like we were growing up, we all wore them. She had no idea.
His brain was thinking that she had no idea. So how was she supposed to teach him? No, you know, this is an emergency, you know? Uh mm-hmm. <affirmative>, this didn't happen with mommy growing up. This is a new thing. Uh, this is what safety is. Like. She, she didn't know to say those things. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So having those like open lines of communication, uh, that's, I mean that's an extreme example cuz he's so young. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, even teens, like, they close up or they hear something in school and they're not asking for clarification, realizing, oh, you can talk about things in this mm-hmm.
<affirmative>. Oh wow. I've seen mommy and daddy, uh, aren't agreeing. Neither of them are screaming. Neither of them are cursing at each other and no one's throwing anything.
<laugh> Yeah. Have confrontation without the yelling. You know, yelling and screaming. Having a conversation about something that you are disagreeing on is a huge thing.
Yes.
So yes, we want, we wanna be in the home obviously modeling some mm-hmm. <affirmative> good behaviors. Right. Which is hard. It's hard because it's so hard <laugh>. Right. As parents, you're all stressed out and you're just, you know, you're just getting by sometimes. And my stress energy stresses everybody out. So you can see that. Yeah. And then they're going back to school and they're stressed out. It's funny, I did ask like, um, my kids about, you know, advice, um, for high school. You know, like, what kind of advice would they give to themselves if they were, you know, five years out of high school looking back mm-hmm.
<affirmative>. And, and it's funny, my daughter said, um, she said, you know, one bad grade doesn't make a difference.
Ooh.
Right. Which I thought was interesting because I feel like not every kid gets wrapped up in grades. I could tell you my son is not wrapped up in grades <laugh>. Um, but there are kids that are because they see everybody else excelling. And once again, they're comparing, and they get like a bad grade. It's like the end of the world, you know? But I, you know, I'm always like, it doesn't define you, it's this, this whole period of time doesn't define you. Yes.
Yes. I definitely write that. I write <laugh>. I actually write, um, of, of course, a bit more sassy of a version. But it's like I said, I can, I think it's something along the lines of like, I can pretty much guarantee you, you will never sit down for a job, and they're not gonna ask, did you date the most popular guy and were you, prom queen? Exactly. They're not gonna
Gonna ask that.
They're not gonna ask what parties you went to. Like they, they're not gonna ask where your friends of popular friends. It's so insignificant. It's so,
It's, but here's the question. How do you get them to believe that?
One of the things I think you actually kind of hit the nail on the head with it, is reminding them that there is a future. So like, this is such a small blimp. Uh, a phrase that I like to teach people is when something happens immediately, uh, something you know, that you didn't want to happen, I should say. Um, immediately ask yourself, is this gonna matter in five hours, five days, five weeks, five months, or five years? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, a lot of the time it doesn't even go to five days. So keeping that into the perspective of like, and that's why I love coaching, is don't worry about the past.
Yeah. We wanna cope with the present. Let's start looking at the future. Very important that we spend more time there.
I asked my son the same question actually about, you know, what advice would he would give for a high school. You know, if he was looking and now he's not even in high school. And I thought his response was really funny. He goes, well, don't worry so much about getting into college because there's one for everybody.
Oh my gosh. That warms my heart. One of the things I write about is encouraging going to community college first if you don't know what if you know you wanna go to school, but you don't really know what major yet. Yeah. Go to community college, do general studies or liberal arts, and go from there. And you know, as a high school mom, you probably already see it. They put so much pressure on big schools and it's ridiculous because they're like 80,000 a year.
40 to 80,000 a year, sometimes a hundred thousand dollars a year. Yeah. And, and kids go in not knowing what they wanna do. And then they take all these classes at thousands of dollars, and uh, they're three semesters in, and they've changed their major three times. Exhausting.
Yeah. And there's a lot of pressure Yes about college. There's this external pressure from just their friends, right? Like in the friendships and peer pressure of like wanting to kind of be on par with everybody. Right. Um, there's probably this internal pressure of, like, can I even get in mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And then of course, I'm sure there's parental pressure depending on the parents. It could be financial pressure, it could be, you know, academic pressure, it could be whatever.
Um, yeah. But there's just, and it's all in that one child. And it's been an interesting ride for us because my daughter is one of the many that doesn't know what she wants to do. I was like, how can I make this experience positive? You know, because it could be a really negative time having to apply for colleges. Is all the stress? Did you get your papers in?
You know, did you do your essay? Did you do all these things? Are you sending for the s a t I mean, name it. Right? Yeah. Right. And I just recently decided that, you know what, at the end of the day, once again, it doesn't define you love at the end of day love. I think it's important, don't get me wrong. We do encourage college in our home as a next step for whatever reason whether that means for her to get a specific job or higher education or just even more life experience before hitting the real world.
I'm not sure yet mm-hmm. <affirmative>. But I don't want the last few years that my child is actually living in my home to be hell. I want it to be fun and I want to enjoy having them there. You know? Cause once they're out, I'm assuming they're not coming back home. I could be, I could be wrong about this. I've been wrong before. But, you know, I'd like to say that maybe they won't be coming back home. And I think at the end of the day, like I don't want those last few years just being super stressful.
So, you know, we're kind of approaching it a little differently. She has, I know my daughter's the first up and she has a lot of her own thoughts about it and um, pressures. But I really try to remind her that everything is temporary.
Yes.
Totally. You know, like even if you chose your dream school, even if you got into Harvard or Yale, like you might be there one year and go, Ooh, I don't like it. And then be back in your hometown, you know, or vice versa. You might say, I have no idea. I wanna save money. I'm gonna do a gap year and then I'm gonna apply, or I'm gonna do community college and then I'm gonna apply. But it's all like, if you really pull your friends, how many of them did the they four straight years in college and never transferred?
I mean, I transferred. Yeah. She is two friends from last year that went to different colleges and are coming back this year to their college that's home. So it makes her actually see, so I'm, I'm like, you know what this is, this does not have to be as stressful because even if we do all the right things I'm air quotes for Right. Even if we do every single thing, air quote, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, it could still end up very differently. You know? So I was like, why don't I just breathe now so I can enjoy my kids?
I, I wish warm parents were like that. And, and sometimes I'll get the pushback, um, from a parent and they'll say, oh, I just want what's best for my kid. I just want them to get in the best. I just want the best so that life is, life is better, easier, life is better, easier. And I do think a college education is a good idea. Just cuz it does set you apart. Do you absolutely need one? No. Can you go get a, uh, a certification program that could be really helpful for a field? Yes.
Yeah. But I agree. I th I just think there's so much change in the world right now mm-hmm. <affirmative> that there are jobs. We have no idea what you're going to need. There's new jobs created every day. People are creating their own jobs. It's such a different world than when I was in high school or college that I think these kids right now don't even there are jobs that are not even developed that they'll fall into and do All of them need a college education? Maybe, maybe not.
Um mm-hmm. <affirmative>. But I think it's a very different world. And that's why personally I think the big thing I'd like my kids to be able to do is adapt.
Ooh. Such a good word. Yeah, that's a great word to describe it.
Because then they can be fluid and change as they need and you know, they create a job flow into a job, whatever they need. But they're not just like, kind of stuck. If they, if they're adaptable, they'll, you know, they'll achieve what they need to achieve.
Actually, I'm so glad you said this cuz it's, it's just, uh, it just helped me remember, um, this idea of, uh, how we were saying the, uh, parents being like, I just want the best. You know, I just want the best. So later on they can have these, uh, all these great things. But if your child has a nervous breakdown in high school and then it's too scary after that's not good. This age group has enough pressure. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, they grew up on their phone; they grew up in a comparison in your face.
And then people telling you like, well, you're a kid, so suck it up. Your life's not that hard. When, of course in their eyes, like, their life is very hard. The world is very difficult to cope with, especially now.
And they grew up during a pandemic. I mean, these kids have to deal with, oh my gosh, they have to deal with a lot, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, the, the world of gun violence, the pandemic, it's not, you know, it's not just about academics. It's, you know, there's some real fears for these kids every day. Yeah. So I'm curious because you kind of wrote, it sounded like you wrote this book for your sisters to give them like your advice. What, what did you really want them to get out of
It? I guess the feeling of like not being alone and the idea that high school is a wild ride. It is a wild ride. But also the like, uh, kind of like what we were saying before of it's four years that it's, it's actually a such a small part of your life. There's just so much happening in these four years. It, even in the beginning of the book, I say high school's difficult because you're usually either treated like you're 12 years old, like you're a kid, or the complete opposite.
Like you're an adult. And it's especially scary for young women when your male teachers are te are treating you like you're a grown woman. Yeah. Because at the end of the day, you are a teen. Like, I don't care if your daughter looks like she's 22 years old when she's really 17. Um, it's up to the teachers and staff to act appropriately to a teenage girl.
So how do you feel they're inappropriate?
I just think like the kind of flirty behavior, um, uh, talking to them casually about um, like what parties they're going to or who they're dating, um, what their outfits are like. I think that's just, I think it's just inappropriate to, um, treat these gals with respect. Right. Or, or young men with respect, but also they are not an equal. You're not at a bar bullshitting. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> with someone like this is a young lady who is, is looking at you as an authority.
We are not equals That's the point though. Right.
It's interesting because, you know, I'll get a comment or two about relationships with their teacher. For the most part I find them at least where my kids are at school, you know, at a level. Like they, they definitely know the difference, right? They're not, they're not telling them that kind of stuff, at least in where I'm at. Um, got it. But then occasionally there's one or two that are like, we'll just <laugh> say some things, you know, that are like, oh my gosh, should they really be talking to you about that?
You know? And it just, it goes in my head and then outta my head. I don't, I don't spend a lot of time on it. But listening to you say like, it could be happening more often than like in my world, right? Like, so the listeners might go, oh wow. Yeah. That's something that does happen in, at a high school level. Um, but that is a good point. Yeah. There should be some sort of, you know, in between and maybe talking even to your teen about, you know, that relationship with a teacher
Yes.
And that they are still your teacher. These are not, they're not necessarily your friends. They are older and some of them are young, right? Like cuz they're just graduating and they go into teaching. Yeah. So they're not that far off. And I can see that. But Yeah. But at the same time, there is this professional division that, you know, should be respected too. So Yeah. What's, what's appropriate, what's not appropriate.
Totally. Yeah. Definitely. I mean, at my school, uh, just like you were saying of the idea of like, some of these are actually pretty young teachers, right? Outta right outta college. I think there was three or four scandals of teachers sleeping with students. Oh, while I was in school. Three or four. I know for a fact three. Cause I could think of their names right now, but I think there's one more that I just in having trouble, like one, one teacher's nudes got around because she sent it to a junior boy and what he did was send it to all his friends.
Why wouldn't he? He's a 16 year old boy. And I don't mean it, like that's okay that he did it. I just mean why as a girl in your late twenties, would you send a teenage boy a sexual photo and think that he's not going to share it with someone.
Wow. That is terrible. So that like, I, I must be in a bubble, right? Like I'm in a bubble. Say, I don't hear that here, but doesn't mean it's not going on. So, oh my gosh, that's so frightening. Ho just what horrifying. You thought you had enough sending my kids to school, you know, like that's, that's horrifying. That's horrifying.
Yeah, it is. It is. Yeah. It's truly, it truly is because it's an abuse of power. It will forever change these kids. Uh, especially this idea of like young women being sexualized, like that changes you. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, I remember, um, not to get too personal, but, um, I started developing breasts at nine years old. I always looked about three years older than me. So being sexualized by a little as a little girl, right? Like having boobs that you don't even know what to do with. None of your friends have it, right?
Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Um, but it's up to, it's up to adults to treat you your age. It's creepy that they're not doing that.
The, that's it's such a good point. And now I'm just having heart palpitations thinking <laugh>. Oh my
Gosh, I'm so
Sorry. I'm just thinking about like even college, right? They go away, they're older, they're adults, and now they have professors. Yes. Like right. And they're also of age that they can legally have these relationships. So, you know, it's a good talking point. I didn't mean to be like totally scaring people today. <laugh>, but that I didn't
Mean to either. But, but, but also I, and I know this is for moms, but like, I really think this book would help single dads cuz they've really, I don't, they've never lived high school as a girl. Yeah. You know, they never grew up as a 14 year old girl. How the heck would they know what it's like through their eyes? Or fathers in general. Right. It doesn't have to be a single
Then I think for anyone really, everybody needs to learn about teens. Really.
These tips, I'd say majority of them are appropriate for adulthood too. Like I teach adults this, in my coaching, I've te I've taught hundreds of clients and so many things in the book are things that my adult clients don't
Know. What is something that you find your adult clients don't
Know? You are the sum of the top five people you hang out with.
I love that. I've been working on that one. Yes. Like that is what I've been working on. I was like, who are my five people? Right. <laugh>, personally nice. But it is true. Right? That is true. Um, I love that one. In high school, I mean, you, you're categorized with your, your group. So sometimes if you're hanging with a certain type of kid, all of a sudden you are that type of kid, even though you might not be. Right. It's just like you get pushed into these categories just because of who you hang with.
You're so right. You are who you hang with. And I say that in the book, I was like, if you're hanging out with people who drink and smoke and you don't drink it or smoke, I'm sorry to say that you are still clumped in that. Yeah. It's just the truth whether we want it or not. Like it's, that's what happens. Is it fair? Or it's like quote unquote fair? No. Does it happen? Yeah. I'm here to tell you it does. So
Yeah. Yeah.
Whether it's fair or not. Uh, and another one is the idea of like, it's okay to end a friendship with someone that you've known for years. Just the idea of like, and, and this is very common with women. Well I've known her since high school or I've known her since college. We have so much history. How can I, she was there through my divorce. She was there in the hospital room with me when I got into a car crash. Right. She also brings you so much misery. You hate getting the phone from her taking, uh, phone calls from her. She drains your energy. Her kids are mean to your kids.
And it's like, and and how I write it in the book is, okay, you're talking about your friend that you knew since kindergarten. You also knew the boy in your biology class when he was six years old and wiped his boogers on you. Are you keeping that friendship
<laugh>?
Like, no. Right. Who cares about the timeframe? And, and that might sound cruel, but the idea is at the end of the day, you really, you are, you have to look out for number one. I don't mean that in a a gross way. More of, um, you gotta protect yourself.
And I think it's important talk about we change as people, like you're not the same person you were in kindergarten, that you are in high school and you know what, it's okay. And with that change, it's okay to take a step back from a person. Maybe you're gonna bring them in later in life. Maybe your evolving again, but with your brain's changing, your interest changing. Of course, we're not gonna always have the same exact friendships because that should, that's normal.
I love that. Yes. I to I write, I write about that too. Like, it's okay to not have the same opinion as your friends, but there are some subjects that you may find will make the friendship hard. Is is your friend homophobic? You know, and says, and says a racist mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Um, and you're not, that's gonna be hard to be a with a friend like that when you're, when you don't have those beliefs. There's a difference between being open-minded to people and like that you're d you have different beliefs or someone who just doesn't ethically align with you.
And, and, and that's hard, that's hard for some people. And I even use a silly example of like what you like for self-care might change. Like as a kid I thought baths were weird. You sat in your dirtiness, why would you do that? But as an adult I'm like, bubble bath it up. <laugh> get the, like where are those bath salts? Like where's my candle? Where's my meditation music? But but the changes, right?
Yeah. I mean, your needs just, your needs change, you know? And as you get to know yourself, but things change that we are growing <laugh> and if we like <laugh> and if we like the same exact thing that we liked when we were five, then I don't know how much growth has happened. So I think it's okay. Yeah.
A hundred percent Yes. Totally. Totally. Just the like, the idea of like, it's okay, this is not gonna matter in five days. Like it's okay, you changed your mind. Right? Uh, it's, um, and giving kids permission to do that. But I think another thing they see from adults is adults digging in as opposed to saying like, oh, you changed my mind. Or Wow, I didn't think of it that way. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So kids don't say those phrases because they have never heard. Not never, but you know what I mean? Like they're used to people digging in.
I guess also the idea of like saying, sorry, when you mess up instead of just defending what you did.
Right. Instead of just going on the defense. Yes.
Instead of going in the defense, uh, having conversations from an open mind. Yeah. But that's hard. Right. Adults have, you know, if a republican's talking to a Democrat, they're sometimes going in with their ears already closed. Right. They don't wanna hear what the other side has to say cuz they don't identify with that side.
Right. Right. Yes. It is hard to have open communication. We all, especially teens, I feel like, are very reactive. Right. They're very reactive. They're a little eye rolly at times or they just shut down. And as parents, we, we do that too. I mean, we sometimes want to make sure we're heard and that might require stronger voices or maybe we react to something cuz we're just, you know, really in a overwhelmed state.
And that one thing, <laugh> that's very minimal happens and then we just tips us over and we act, react the wrong way. So, and I think you said this in the beginning, something about, uh, we have a choice. What you said was, we have a choice on how we react. They have a choice on how they respond. You know, I think that choice is always important. We can't always access it because sometimes we're too heightened. But I think if we can all just, you know, pause in the conversation, then we can choose to react instead of just reacting.
Yes. And actually this goes really good with the idea of digging in. Um, cuz because you gave a great common example of I lost my cool, all right. I lost my cool, I had a long day. Like I told the kids not to do something seven times they did it, now they're bleeding. Uh, that's an extreme example. But, and then let's say you say something a bit more aggressively than you want and as everyone cools down later, as opposed to digging in and be like, no, I stand by that what you did was wrong. How I reacted was okay saying like, I'm sorry, I should have never talked to you like that.
Am I disappointed you did blank? Yes. But how I reacted was wrong then you're, what you're teaching kids is to never admit you were wrong and to never apologize.
And I personally have found it so freeing when I can be wrong as a parent. Ooh. And own it. Like, that lightens my load because the feeling that I always have to know everything and the feeling that I, you know, have to always be right or I have to always have an answer is very heavy on the, on the soul. And if I can, you know, I I'm the first to apologize. I'm the first to be like, Nope, did that wrong.
You know? Totally. Yeah. My kids see that all the time. And yeah. And, and it's, it is freeing. It makes, makes life so much easier. And then in return, my kids don't feel like they have to carry a load of being Right. They can also make mistakes. And it is okay.
Can you come into my sessions with parents? Like
Yeah. You can just literally just, you know, zoom me in. I'm available
<laugh>, because it's, it's so true. And I, I I guess this is like full circle now, but they're looking at your behaviors and especially, I I, I would say moms have, I, I do think moms have more pressure, especially if they are raising young ladies. There's a lot of confusion with role models. So again, unconsciously or consciously, they're looking at their mom for what to do and how to
Act. Well that's a lot of pressure on moms. There's
So much pressure. Are you kidding me? Right. It's already hard enough just to be a woman alone, let alone in the mother role or an employee role or a partner role. That's a lot of hats to wear.
Oh, wow. So I, I mean, we started at high school, but we're definitely theory <laugh>. But it's, but I love it. I love every minute of it because it is important, these conversations just about, you know, our kids and how much, not only are they going through, but it's like we're going through it too. So.
Totally. And before the pandemic, there was no parenting books that said how to help your kid get through a pandemic. We don't even know how to get through a pandemic. Why the heck would kids have those coping skills? Like, oh my gosh, we don't know.
Gosh. But see, that was the beauty of the pandemic, I think, because that was a time where I think families could really bond together because it, it suddenly was the experience that everybody was going through. So like for my family, we had to figure it out as a team. You know, what were we gonna do? What were the rules? You know, what did we feel comfortable? Who could go out? Who couldn't go out? You know, who's gonna do the food shopping? You know, or you know, all this, just the little things, right?
Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, you know, who's least susceptible, you know, <laugh> to get covid, you know, what are we gonna do if someone gets covid? And it was the first time that like, there was no rule book and there was also, there were, I guess there was judging because, you know, some people would go out and let their kids hang out with anyone.
Mm-hmm. <affirmative> and others only did a bubble or others didn't let their kids at all, all. So maybe there was some judging, but I think there was a fear throughout that it didn't feel like you were being looked at so much as a parent. Like, you know, that people were watching your every move of making these right and wrong choices because nobody knew the right and wrong choices. <laugh> people were just doing the best they could. And I think as a parent, we're always doing the best we can no matter what the situation is. You know, when it was the pandemic, because it was the first time, it just felt okay to just do the best you can.
I had parents who either were like, this bonded my family forever. Like, wow, I got to know my kids on another level. And I can think of two moms who got on video with me and we're like, where can I, I drop my kids off.
Yeah.
Yeah. One lady said, I hate my kids. And I've, I've never heard a parent, like, not in a non joking way say that. She's like, I hate my kids. I can't believe I'm a mom. And I just sat there like, I, this is, this must be such a terrible feeling.
I mean, it, it, it, it either brought 'em together or divided them. It really did. Yeah. We, we've heard that a lot too between, um, families and things too. I was a lucky family that it brought, it brought us, it brought us together. I mean, my kids are about two years apart, but they, um, they always respected each other, you know, they always got along. It wasn't like they were big fighters, but they became best friends in Covid now. Ooh, I love that. And, and the relationship has continued.
I mean, like I said, once in high school, one's in middle school, but they go to each other to, for just comfort conversations, things that they wanna tell each other. And I mean, honestly, it was a real gift because I, I think they would've liked each other, but they would never have had this relationship
Almost like trauma bonding. I know that sounds dramatic, but to, I think I love that. That's how it ended up.
So where can the listeners find you? So
I have a, uh, I have a Facebook and LinkedIn. Uh, but probably my website would be best. Um, and it's just my first and last name.com. But I would say contacting me through my website or, um, or social media
And all that will be in the show notes. And any other advice? Is there something you just want parents or teenagers to know?
Um, it would be the same advice for both of both groups. And that is ask for help and build your support system. And I don't even mean that a plug for like, work with me as a coach. I really mean find people that can be in your circle. So even if it's not like your top five, which I think is super important, please tell people if you're struggling, there are support systems out there. There's free sources, there's paid services. But, uh, don't do this alone. You're, you're doing yourself a disservice by trying to do it all alone.
Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Friends, mom, friends, yes.
Facebook makes it easy. Like go on a Facebook group. There's tons of mom ones.
Oh yes. And I see, you know, I l I read those, a lot of those, uh, Facebook groups and it's amazing. I'll just like read, read them and I'm like, wow, okay. I didn't know that I'll <laugh> so much because there's nothing, yes, you can learn as much as you can from a book, right. But there's nothing better than having another mom just give you that tip or advice or that one thing you needed because they've been through it.
Right. Or even for, for another mom to be like, yeah, I know what it's like to wanna pull your hair out. Oh yeah. I, yeah. I got lipstick outta the couch when my one-year-old found the lipstick and put my favorite shade of like $27 lipstick on my couch. I know what it's like to lose your mind. You know, just these little things of like, oh yeah, I have a son, um, changing a diaper and he peed all over the place again. I'm three diapers in. And then he just keeps peeing, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative> like, only ly parents would know that would change diapers.
Right? Right. Yeah. And then, and then the same for our teens, right? Because, you know, sometimes we're like, oh, they're on the phone again. Right. <laugh> or like, are they ever gonna get off their phone? They're always on with their friends. They're always hanging out with their friends. But now listening to even just this conversation, it makes sense because those are their mom friends. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, those are the people who understand and are going through it. Yeah. With them. Right.
And also the idea of like, uh, same with the teens of social media. Like stop looking at moms that you think are perfect. They're not.
Yes, yes. Right. Because as moms we could also be looking at like, oh wow, this mom's doing all this stuff and Yes. Yeah, this mom's doing all this stuff and you know, I can barely cook dinner <laugh>. Like,
Did she just get her nails and hair done? And wa her kids are all matching in beautiful Easter costumes.
Oh.
With like, hand painted quick eggs. Well,
If you ever wanna feel better about being a mom in the clothes situation, I mean, if we have matching socks,
We've
One <laugh>, like that's an amazing day here. Two of the same either color or actually size. Like that's huge because like, that never even happens here. So I will never get us all dressed up in the same outfit cuz there'd be No way. No way. Well, thank you for coming and talking to me today. Um, this has definitely a fun conversation and definitely made me think about some things that I don't know if I wanted to think about, but that's okay.
I appreciate you just all you do for those moms out there and all your coaching and everything and helping them through this challenging time. So I, I appreciate you coming and talking to me today.
Thank you again for this opportunity. Like you're so great. You're so fun to talk to.
Oh, thanks. I appreciate that.
Thank you for listening to this episode. I think we can all agree high school is not easy. Teens have academic pressures, peer pressures, and pressures from homes, and sports jobs, all by trying to figure out their next steps to adulthood. Let's enjoy these years that we have with our teens while they're still living in our homes. In a blink of an eye, they will be out in the real world.
