Welcome back to the Real Life Momz podcast. This is a place where we get to take a break from our daily chaos of parenting and take time to focus on ourselves. I'm Lisa Foster, your host, and today we are discussing one of my favorite topics, which is finding our inner calm, which I know I need. I'm here with fellow moms.
Sarah Moore. She is an author of peaceful disciplines, story teaching, brain science, and better behavior. And she is the founder of dandelion seeds, positive parenting. You may have seen her on NBC, CBS, or in countless parenting magazines internationally. Sarah, I'm so happy to have you here today. Thank you.
I'm excited to be here. I know your approach to parenting and also in your business is very rooted into peace and positivity. Maybe you could talk a little bit about kind of where this belief came from and why you're so passionate about it. Yeah. So a couple of places. First of all, personal experience.
I [00:01:00] know the, Lies that are perpetuated in society. We shouldn't be responsive to our kids. We're creating bad habits when we pick them up. You know, all this stuff. And I experienced some of that firsthand when my child was itty bitty. And I talk about it in the intro of Peaceful Discipline in my book, where We were at her four month well check and her pediatrician asked me how sleep was going.
Well, let's just level set here. She's a four month old baby. She's not a rockstar sleeper yet, right? She's tiny. But I said, holistically, she's getting plenty of sleep. I'm not worried about it. And he looked me in the eye and he said, that baby is manipulating you. Don't ever pick her up when she cries. Let me know when you're ready to get serious about parenting.
Well, this is the moment where we all drop our jaws. I did the same thing then and there, and my body went into total freeze mode. I didn't know what to say. I just sort of stumbled through the rest of the appointment. But by the time I was home that night, the fire in my belly was [00:02:00] enormous. I was. So angry and so passionate about that can't
possibly be right that I went, I started doing all of the research and what do you know, backed by science, backed by brain scans, backed by cortisol levels, everything that is actually measurable says it is not only A nice thing to respond to our children, but it's actually really important for brain development for physical bodily development for the attachment relationship.
Not just when they're teeny tiny, by the way, but throughout their entire lives. And with that being the lens through which we can examine ourselves really and say, Do I have that to offer to my child? What can I do to ensure their optimal development and to have the kind of relationship so that someday when somebody says to my child, I'm going to call your [00:03:00] mom, her response is going to be, thank goodness, she can help me with whatever happens here.
Instead of running and thinking this is a bad thing. So that was really my personal story of how I got into all of the work, all of the research, started parent coaching, because I care deeply about people being able to have a connection based relationship with their families. Oh, and I love that. And I love that you just said so that good call my mom so that, you know, she can help me.
I love that so much because I say that all the time to my kids, actually. They'll say, well, I might I'm having this difficulty at school or something or this attendance thing. I'm like, oh, have them call me. I would love to have them call me. They never do. But. It's like one of those things. So I love that you just said that, but okay, inner calm, inner calm is something that you work on because then you can give all that stuff that you just talked about, right?
And I'm a huge fan of that [00:04:00] because as a craniosacral therapist, I'm all about being grounded. I'm all about being centered. I feel like when we can do those things, we are more creative. We are more present. We are just better in general. Right. But not so easy as a parent, right? This is not an easy thing to accomplish.
So how do you accomplish it for yourself? And how do you help other moms do the same? So one of the very practical tools that I recommend people use is something that I developed called the HUG process. It's an acronym, H U G, and it's fairly simple. The H stands for hold your reaction. It just means pause.
When you are tempted to be triggered by something, just pause for a second because we know scientifically we have approximately six seconds between an input And our reaction to it during which our body decides, am I actually in danger? [00:05:00] In which case I need to fight or flee, or can I choose a rational approach to this and I don't have to freak out.
So that H, just holding our reaction for just a couple of seconds enables us to check in with our prefrontal cortex and say, my child is not actually a threat to me right now. Okay. and I want to respond peacefully. The U stands for understand their perspective. As we've heard from brilliant minds like Dr.
Ross Green, all behavior is communication. So if the child is acting in some seemingly undesirable way, There's a good reason for it. Are they hungry? Are they tired? Are they over or under stimulated? Are they feeling stressed? There are a thousand different things that might be going on for the child. We might not even know what it is, but I promise you this, there is a good reason.
And [00:06:00] the more curious we can be, the more we can move into the G, which is give them grace to be human. We all have tough days. We all have days where we just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Life is hard and we have trouble. really living optimally, relationally with one another, and it's the same for our kids.
So when we acknowledge all of these pieces, it really gives us a good starting point from which we can say, I want to have this piece inside so that I have it to share with my child. And if I'm done, just those three things, I make it sound easy. I totally acknowledge that in the moment, sometimes it's really darn hard, but for the times when we're able to do this, it really sets us up to start with connection rather than confrontation.
And that just elevates everybody's place in the relationship. And the [00:07:00] more often we experience peace together, the more our brain expects peace and we end up coming out of our chronic state of fight or flight, our chronic state of stress or anger or whatever we're feeling. And instead, because we feel so good or at least so regulated so much of the time, anything less than that feels abnormal.
And we're more aware of it in the moment, so then we can tackle it with self compassion. I love the pause. Because that can change really our reaction. And the other thing, like you said, we're all human, even parents, like, kids. They're human, they're going to do their thing, so we're human too.
And we sometimes are going to be elevated and a lot of times overwhelmed. Do you have techniques or tips that actually help reset your system so that you can be a little bit more calm on those [00:08:00] times where you're just feel like you're juggling everything and maybe you're not as centered to take that pause?
Yeah. For sure. Number one thing I can say in those instances, and I'm so glad you asked because this is reality for a lot of us on a very regular basis. My advice here is leave the scene of the crime. And what I mean by that is literally
just change your perspective. If I am with my child and engaging in something that I can tell just isn't working, tell you what child, Let's go outside and continue this conversation, or if your child is old enough, give me a second.
I'm just going to walk around the house three laps. I don't even have to step outside. I'm just going to take a couple of laps inside, but literally just look at something else. And if you can't move your body, let's say you have a really young child and they're not safe on their own, even just switching your gaze.
It is perfectly okay to be like, I'm going to look at that wall for a [00:09:00] minute because that is an instant reset for the brain because here's the brain science behind it. When we are in fight or flight mode, we are going to be hyper focused on the threat. While not everything coming at us is a semi truck or a saber tooth tiger, right?
Most of the time, once we acknowledge this is not an actual threat, And we can choose, I'm just going to look somewhere else. That signals to my body, I must be safer than I think. Because if it were a semi truck coming at me, I wouldn't be averting my gaze. I would be looking and trying to get out of there.
Right? So simply by changing our physical orientation in the moment, instant reset for the body. I think we should change our perspective on everything. Unless it's always like such an important piece of so many things. You're stuck in a problem. Change your perspective.
You'll get some other information, but yeah. So if [00:10:00] you're just in that overwhelmed state and then something kind of comes along, I love changing your perspective. I mean, I'll even do things like change my chair. I'll be sitting at a desk and I'm doing some work and I'm starting to get elevated about something. And then I'll actually move my chair to another chair. I do that all the time at the dinner table too. People hate that I do this at the dinner table.
You should try it though. Parents, try this because it's so funny. Sit in a different seat. I don't know why we all sit in the same seat every time. It's like some unwritten rule. But just sit in a different seat. You see so many different things, different conversations come up. The brain starts to work differently.
It freaks the whole family out for a second after they realize it's okay. Okay. Yeah, their brain starts to work differently and you'll have a different conversation. So I love that, that you can just dart your eyes differently, take a walk around. And exactly, if you have older kids, like there's nothing wrong to say, like, I'm going to be right back.[00:11:00]
I'm taking a moment, you know, just be honest. The whole situation exactly and it models these skills for our kids to, you know, they will pick this up from us and then when they're in that social situation with their friends and things are starting to get awkward, they will know that they can move their body, they can switch their seat, they can do whatever it is because from us.
Yeah. Do you do this with your husband and your friends to. Oh, all the time. Yeah. I know, me too. I like, I, I know I've walked out of a few rooms before, not coughing, but just like walked out of the room and been like, okay. And then I come back and I feel, I do, I feel more calm and I'm ready to like face whatever the next is.
And I have a better mental status about it. So yes. So how do you feel you being able to calm yourself actually has this ripple effect on not just your kids but anyone around you? So I'm a big fan of something called polyvagal theory and we won't get into all that. No, get into [00:12:00] polyvagal.
I am reading literally the book on the vagus nerve right now.. Yes, we are aligned. So Dr. Stephen Porges, who by the way is a fantastic human, I have interviewed him and he's just a really good egg in addition to being an incredibly brilliant mind
and he talks about the power of co regulation with one another. And specifically, as it relates to polyvagal theory, some of us are what he calls super co regulators. And we all know somebody like this. We, Enter their presence and we just feel better. There's something about them that just exudes calm and it's a very real thing.
It's what our nervous system is picking up about the safety or lack thereof of the people with whom we interact. Now the good news for most of us is we don't have to be a super co regulator in order for there to still be benefits of co regulation. But when I [00:13:00] start by being regulated, It's contagious.
We also have something. I'm going to bring it away from polyvagal theory for a second and into just general brain science. We have something called mirror neurons. where we know that emotions are literally contagious. If I come in here excited like a cheerleader, you know, who's drank a bunch of soda, which neither of those things ever applied to me.
But if they did, you'd be like, wow, I'm feeling myself amping up in her presence. Likewise, if I come in bawling my eyes out, Your empathy is going to kick up a notch and you are going to take on some of what I am bringing to that dynamic. When it comes to the peace that we can share with our families, also contagious.
The more grounded I can be, the more our kids can borrow from that grounding. Or our partner or our coworker or whatever, because that they can pick up just as [00:14:00] easily as any of the other things that I mentioned. Now tying it back into polyvagal theory, look what I'm doing there. Dr. Porges just talks about the ventral vagal state, where we feel empowered.
We feel like, Got this. I can handle this. It's where I'm playful. It's where I feel good about life. When I combine that with knowing all emotions, all presence is contagious. It's a very beautiful thing. Because it just paves forward whatever calm we have to offer with every person that our family members lives touch, so on, throughout the day.
And next thing you know, you have a whole lot of people who feel more regulated just because one person started it. It's kind of a superpower, you know, it really is. I, and I'm thinking of so many times [00:15:00] that have you ever just talked to somebody, maybe your, let's say your phone bill, right? wasn't right.
You had an issue, right? And you call and like, my husband will call and he will get heated. It goes right up. He's angry. There's, and it never really goes that well. He gets what he wants. Maybe even gets a little bit more, but he has like, his heart rate is, I mean, right, this, physical changes or his blood pressure just went up, his heart rate is high, whereas I will call in a situation and I like to have like come from a learning process, like, okay, explain this to me.
Let's see, you know, talk about it, but I'm pretty calm and I get the same results. I usually get it paid for as well. And the problem is taken care of, but I feel good. And by the end, the person on the other end of the phone is kind of having like this lovely conversation and telling me to have a lovely day and meaning it, you know, not, not meaning it.
And it's a different situation. So it's almost like this superpower that we [00:16:00] can use to enter any time, whether it's with our families, with something that we're trying to get done. It's like, it's great. I agree wholeheartedly, and I share that experience with you, and my husband is wired like your husband, so I also see the other side of that, and how it doesn't have to be as hard as some people make it.
And that being said, if somebody is listening to this or watching this later and saying, But I always get so angry. It's just a trigger for me. This is my device. fault. I'm going to say you make sense too. There is nothing broken about you. There's nothing wrong with you. Your body has simply learned to spend more of its time in a fight or flight.
We have a little part of the brain called the amygdala. It's supposed to be about the size of an acorn. But when we have been under chronic stress, the amygdala literally It's a way of thinking about how our brain grows and takes up more space in our brain, therefore creating a vicious cycle of [00:17:00] perceiving more threat and responding to that perceived threat.
So we just get to be more intentional about spending time with people who truly calm you down. Borrow from their calm. Doing activities that regulate your body, whatever those may be, as long as they're healthy choices, find ways to spend more time in your safe zone, whatever that may be for you. And I promise you that the more you practice it, the more your amygdala will shrink back to normal size.
And you will be able to have more of those happy phone bill conversations that maybe you still don't love, but you don't have to invest so much angst into them either yeah. I love that you just said that because not everybody has. The ability right away. It's not it's not comfortable for everybody to find that calm, peaceful place, right?
That's a whole other thing. So I love about the amygdala too. I didn't [00:18:00] realize you can shrink it back down. That's amazing. But let's talk about those people that maybe it. They're not calm. They don't feel safe in a calm space. Can you talk to that a little bit more? Yeah, that is a really common effect of trauma.
Many people learned early in life that the world is just not safe. Or perhaps it was even later in life. And I want you to know that number one, hope is available, healing is available. You do not have to be stuck here forever. Some people will do things like EMDR therapy or other therapies that, you know, talk therapies, things that involve The conscious memory parts of the brain so they can talk through or relive in the safe presence of a trained therapist how to get over some of this trauma that can be incredibly [00:19:00] helpful for other people who may or may not have a conscious memory of what they've been through.
They just know that things are much harder than they really want them to be or think they should There are incredible somatic therapies. Craniosacral is one. There is You know, yoga, dance, that therapies, you know, incorporate, there are lots of ways to get in touch with the limbic system that stores a lot of those memories.
Even if you don't know where it is, you don't have to worry about the limbic system per se, but the body really does hold onto every experience we've ever had. So if doing that. Intellectual processing isn't supporting you, find a way to access your body with a trained professional so that they can help release some of that trauma that you've been holding so that you can move forward from a more empowered
and I think a lot of people, like you said, there's trauma, right? Where, you know, that's trauma, like you've got it and we can [00:20:00] all picture what those are, but then there's small traumas. Like it could have been something that someone said to you, that's just how it's in your body. That's a trigger. Right. And you don't even know, so you don't even think you have trauma, but I think the point is if you're struggling with feeling safe in that calm inner space.
Then maybe start to look into that a little bit more and, and reach out to see if there's some services for you. Absolutely. Yeah. And I think one mistake that a lot of people make is they assume that there's a one size fits all for healing. And a lot of people say, well, I'm trying breath work and I'm getting nowhere.
Well, guess what? Breathwork is not actually safe, emotionally or even physically, for people who have been through certain types of trauma. It can feel very inaccessible, and in some cases can even set somebody back. So, by all means, work with somebody who knows these things, because there's nothing wrong and everything right with getting the support you need, so that you can have a more peaceful and more joyful [00:21:00] life. And to tag on to that, in my profession, sometimes you need multiple pieces and multiple therapists to actually really make the difference. I work as a craniosacral therapist, and sometimes it's that craniosacral therapy before their talk session. That they need to feel calm and be able to open up safely.
And that combination works really well. So yeah. So be willing to be open minded and try things when you're ready, when you're ready to do the work. So, positivity is another one that we talked about a little bit. And I, I happen to be, I feel like innately a positive person. I. I just love being positive and it comes pretty easy.
However, I can see there are times that I'm not so positive and that it's not easy for everyone either. So maybe speak to that as well. Cause sometimes I feel people that are very positive or, You know, they either think that it's fake, that [00:22:00] that's can't be true, that person, you know, can't be true, or they feel like they're being fake, because they're trying to be positive, but it's not really their true self.
Yeah, I love this question because positivity is linked to all sorts of incredibly wonderful health outcomes and relational outcomes and all the things. So we know the benefits, but toxic positivity is also a thing. We don't want to fake it till we make it. I hate that expression that has no scientific basis whatsoever.
However, what I vastly prefer. is authenticity. Feel what you need to feel. If you are feeling down, let yourself feel down, because just like every emotion out there, it is a wave, it will pass. If you need help getting out of your down emotional state, get the help, but it's temporary. Only when we clear out the gunk completely, is there room [00:23:00] to authentically feel positive as well.
That being said, there is something to looking for the silver lining of even really hard situations. I personally am a believer that there is always something we can learn. There is always something we can do that will help support ourselves or somebody else later on. I can share a very quick, incredibly vulnerable Example years ago, probably 11, 12 years ago at this point, and I'll share this as a trigger warning for anybody.
The topic is, pregnancy loss. So if anybody needs to mute me for the next minute or two, I'll wave when I'm done with this piece, and then you'll know it's safe to come back. Anyway, I was halfway through my very first pregnancy when I found out that that baby was not going to make it. I had told the whole world, I was deeply invested in loving this baby girl who was growing in my belly, and, [00:24:00] I was already almost 40 years old.
She was my first child. And so I thought, this is it. I'm never going to have a child. My dreams are shattered. My marriage is in a tricky place because of other things that are going on. I hit one of the lowest lows that I ever possibly could have imagined hitting. And frankly, I didn't know that I was going to recover.
So that's me being very blunt. If I would have looked at myself in the moment and said, Well, it's going to be okay. I
would have wanted to give myself a good shake because it didn't feel like that was true at all. But I tell you this, time passed. I got professional help. I switched careers. I moved house.
I did a whole lot of things. And now, I can look at the women who I can support, who have been through that. Am I completely healed? Honest answer? No, never completely because there's always a part of me that's going to grieve that life altering [00:25:00] loss. That being said, I did go on to have another baby girl who is wonderful and healthy and sitting in the other room right now, thank goodness, and the journey wasn't necessarily for me.
The journey was so that I could help empower others and help others know that they are going to survive, that they're going to make it through. And the positivity in there is I now see the purpose. For what I went through and I'm at a much more peaceful place with it because I see the purpose So for the people who are already in a great place, hallelujah I will celebrate with you all day every day, but for the people who feel like I'm not there.
This doesn't feel authentic I just can't access it right now My invitation to you is to just hang on get the support you need You And I promise you this, there is a purpose for it that someday [00:26:00] will make some sense. And that in and of itself will give you the fuel that you need to understand why this stuff happens in the first place.
So I'm going to wave, just let people know they can come back if they had me muted. But I share that with love and compassion, knowing that life is not all a walk in the park. It can be really hard. But the other piece I want to make sure to share is that there's another expression that I love, and I always slightly misquote it, so I'm going to do my best here, but Dr.
Daniel J. Siegel talks about how, where our attention goes, neural pathways flow. And all he really means by that is what we focus on gets bigger. So if I am ruminating, if I am stuck in negativity or whatever, that's going to grow. But if I continue to look for the bright spots, if I continue to find the hope, to find that one good thing about that tricky
[00:27:00] situation, to celebrate the small wins that I have as a parent or just as a human on any given day, my brain is going to do something else that's super cool that's called confirmation bias.
I am going to be automatically looking for the good. And when I continue to look for the good, I'm going to see more of it all around me every single day. And that leads me into a perpetual state of baseline positivity and optimism. Because I'm looking for the good and acknowledging that even the tough stuff happens for a purpose that I will someday understand.
Oh yeah, that is beautiful. First of all, thank you for your beautiful story. I appreciate you sharing that with us. And yes, I've heard it more where, is it where energy flows, attention goes, or something like that. And it's funny because there's always like this visual that they have go with it where, if you have roses and you [00:28:00] pour more water, more attention, more thought, right on those roses, they grow more roses.
And if you have weeds and you pour more attention, more thought, more water, you grow more weeds. Right. So I love that. So what can parents actually do that are listening today that they want to just to do one step, one step after listening to this podcast, one thing to take away from and start doing today, what would you ask them to do?
The number one thing that I would invite parents to do is be super gentle with yourself. I want you to pay attention to the very next mistake that you make. Because we're human, we're gonna make another mistake. I'm probably gonna make one before 5 o'clock tonight, right? So, the next mistake that you make, I want you to acknowledge it.
I want you to say, Ooh, that was a mistake. I didn't mean to do that. And I want you to instantly, in that moment, ask yourself, What can I learn from this? And here's a spoiler alert. The [00:29:00] answer is not, Well, I learned that I'm an idiot and I shouldn't do that thing again. That's tempting, but that's not what I'm going for here.
My invitation is for you to say, I, Might make the same mistake again. I'm going to proactively give myself permission to be really messy in life because that's what human living is. But I still like myself. I still accept myself. And I'm going to give myself permission to simply release this. I don't have to hold on to this for the rest of today or the rest of forever.
Because the more we can meet ourselves with compassion, with grace, with kindness, that's what we have to share with our kids. And it goes back to that ripple effect that you asked me about earlier. If we're gentle with ourselves first, it's so much easier to be gentle with those around us. And one of my favorite things, honestly, because I don't mind making mistakes and being messy.
It's [00:30:00] I what I love about is I look back and I'm like, Oh, what did I learn? Because you're right. I've always learned something. And then I always show up better from what I learned, whether it's hard or not. So yeah, I love that takeaway today. So where can the listeners find you? Sure, so my website is dandelion-seeds.com
com. There is a hyphen in there, so it's dandelion -seeds.Com. Speaking of watering weeds, right? Dandelions are weeds, but I've got reasons for it, so I'll tell you about that. Other time. So dandelion seeds. com is my website. I have a mailing list that I invite you to sign up for. I will tell you, I am horrible about sending emails.
I hardly ever do it. Only when I have like a giant discount to offer you something with my parent coaching program, something like that. That's the kind of stuff I send. So I promise I will not inundate you at all. My socials are dandelion seeds positive parenting except for [00:31:00] Instagram where I'm dandelion seeds positive living because the word parenting wouldn't fit, go figure.
And I'm just happy to answer emails or support people however I can. I, I'm here to serve. We'll have those in links in the show notes so people can grab them. But you also have your book as well. Is that also available on your website too? Peaceful Discipline is the book and it is on Amazon and everywhere that you can get books. You can find Peaceful Discipline. Thank you so much for coming on the show. This was so informative. I love the science behind it.
I'm a little bit of a geek with that. So for me, that was just so filling. So thank you. I love the positivity that you bring and I love the realness that you bring. So thank you so much for coming on. My pleasure. You're wonderful. Thanks for having me.
Thank you so much for taking the time and joining us for this episode. Sarah shared so much valuable information and I loved the science behind her explanations
Make [00:32:00] sure you click on the links in the show notes so that you can visit Sarah's website, check out her books, and all that she offers. And until next week, Keep taking time for yourself. Because you matter.
